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More Beasley children on the way

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Re: “Test result awaited in semen case”, National, April 23.

Wow. I was enormously excited (in a non-semen-related way) to learn that human semen is such a commercially valuable commodity that people actually smuggle it. As the proud possessor of considerable amounts of semen (on an intermittent basis), I would like to climb aboard this gravy train.
My beloved wife is unjustifiably concerned that the disposition of my semen might conceivably be misdirected during my occasional romps in the Nana Plaza and on Soi Cowboy. To soothe her fears, and also to enrich my personal coffers, I want to offer my semen for sale.  Where do I go? Is there a semen market in Bangkok? Or do such transactions take place online? 
I wish to assure anxious potential customers that my personal semen is of the highest quality, pure and undiluted, although nitpickers might detect traces of alcohol in it. As a farang, I cravenly declare my willingness to submit to the loathsome two-tier pricing system, which in this case I assume means that I get less money than a Thai donor would. But I need to know what mode of delivery is preferred. Do the lucky buyers want my product packaged in test tubes, jars, bottles, cans or plastic bags? Refrigerated vaults and cargo containers might be possible for customers who wish to purchase large quantities. My personal experience suggests that hand delivery could be quite icky.
I eagerly await further information on this exciting new commercial opportunity. And I hasten to assure hopeful surrogate parents that artificial insemination with Beasley’s Best will result in a genetically superior child ... even if it does look a little like me.
Horace Beasley
Future semen tycoon

Published : April 25, 2017