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Prasert Martyn
Matthayom 2
14 years old
Ken Bell (English teacher) (043) 325-416
ken_r_bell@hotmail.com
Khon Kaen Vithes Suksa Bilingual School
257 Laonadee Road
Amphur Muang
Khon Kaen 40,000
Thailand
The Three Little Porks
(Loosely based of the original – Three Little Pigs)
Once upon a time, there were three massive, black gangster pigs. They were leaving their mother for the first time in their life to go live by themselves, now that they were two years old.
The mother’s name was Butcher Ma. The tallest pig had red eyes and a pink hat, his name was Pink Joe. The runt of the family was only two inches tall, and his name was Mini. The last pig by far the fattest, was called Diabetes – which his mother had mistakenly thought was Greek for ‘handsome’.
Butcher Ma and all the other pigs were deeply upset and venting their emotions loudly; Mini was the only one that couldn’t be heard very well – or seen for that matter. Pink Joe tried in vain to wipe the tears from his eyes with his ancient straw hat that looked like it had survived a ten years sentence in Tornado Alley.
Don’t forget to pack your clean undies,” reminded Butcher Ma.
We don’t wear underwear,” cried Diabetes.
Well, obviously you can’t fit – wait! You’re naked?!”
We’re always naked, Ma,” replied Diabetes.
Get away from me you nudist!” shouted Butcher Ma as she backed away from her disgusting son.
Have you gone out of your mind…?” Diabetes began but was cut off by a faint choking noise emanating from below.
What is that?” said Pink Joe with his ears pricked. It seems to be coming from the ground,” added in Diabetes. Better take a look…” said Butcher Ma as she scrutinized the ground with a magnifying glass.
Oh, no!” announced Butcher Ma, “Mini’s been flattened again!”
Sure enough, it wasn’t a pretty sight. Mini’s limbs were pointing in different, seemingly impossible, directions, and his head didn’t look much better than scrambled eggs.
My goodness! Are you alright?” exclaimed Butcher Ma, who had failed basic first aid in 1st Grade.
Mini’s tiny voice – which was obviously in pain – squeaked out, “Well…” he choked, “I think my spine’s dislocated again, my skull fractured – badly, oh, and I think every limb in my body is broken. Apart from that – I’m fine.”
Oh, you poor thing… What filthy swine did it?! I’ll punch their eye out for this!” screamed Butcher Ma.
You and your big foot in that fluffy slipper is what did it!” answered Mini.
What?! Who?!” Butcher Ma was confused.
You did it!!!” Mini shouted.
Butcher Ma punched in her own eye, sending herself flying back towards the house and knocking half of it down as she collided.
Diabetes and Pink Joe watched wide-eyed.
A moment later Butcher Ma emerged out of the dust and rubble with a black eye.
Punishment greatly deserved…” mumbled Butcher Ma like she was drunk.
Butcher Ma then fainted.
Quick, we’ve gotta help our mad mother…” said Pink Joe as he ran towards Butcher Ma.
But on the way Pink Joe heard a faint crunch under his trotter and stopped. He looked down, but seeing nothing, slowly raised his right foot, and to his horror, a scream of agony came up after it.
Oh, no! I’ve squashed Mini, again!” exclaimed Pink Joe.
Would you not use that term!” Mini screamed at him.
Quickly, fat bro, I can’t see ’em. Help me look for him and see what you can do.”
A moment later Diabetes was with his brother trying to quickly locate Mini.
We pigs must have very bad eye sight. I mean, Mini’s only two inches tall,” announced Diabetes. “We mustn’t eat enough carrots or something…”
Would you guys cut the chat and help me?!” exclaimed Mini.
Diabetes – man, love your name – would you continue finding Mini while I go check on Ma?” asked Pink Joe.
Yeah, whatever…”
Butcher Ma came round with a bucket of ice cold water fresh from the house – well what was left of it anyway. Pink Joe pulled her round.
What, what, what happened?” asked Butcher Ma in a state of confusion.
Um… You really don’t wanna know,” said Pink Joe.
What’s Diabetes doing crawling around on the ground like that?” asked Butcher Ma noticing Diabetes scurrying in the dirt.
Looking for your son,” explained Pink Joe.
Ah, that’s right. We must call the emergency number. Now where’s the phone?” asked Butcher Ma as she looked around the remnants of her abode.
Destroyed with half the house,” answered Pink Joe.
What happened to the house…?!” Butcher Ma began. “Oh, I have no time for this… Where’s your mobile phone?”
I don’t have one on me,” replied Pink Joe. “And even if I did – I wouldn’t have anything to hold it in.”
Your ‘pockets’?”
I don’t have any pockets…!”
Wait! No pockets… That can only mean… YOU’RE NAKED!” announced Butcher Ma with a twinkle of disgust in her eye.
Well, of course I’m…”
You nudist! You’ve joined the corrupt side, Joe. I’m very ashamed of you!” raged Butcher Ma.
But… Huh… What… You’re naked, too!” said Pink Joe.
That’s an insult!” announced Butcher Ma as she whacked Pink Joe behind the ear.
Look in the mirror, Ma…!” Pink Joe cried in desperation.
Wait! You’re right, I am naked!” exclaimed Butcher Ma as she ran into the existing half of the house to hide herself.
A moment later her head popped back out again.
Just give me a phone!”
Pink Joe found a mobile phone in amongst the house debris and flung it over to her.
But Butcher Ma was unprepared so it hit her in the face and she disappeared from sight; Pink Joe stared grimacing. When Butcher Ma’s head reappeared she now had two black eyes above a fat lip. She showed her arm with the phone at the end, and muttered her appreciation sarcastically, then disappeared inside and slammed the door, hard.
Two seconds later the door fell off and the remaining windows shattered.
There was some cursing from inside the house. A moment later the whole (remaining) house fell down and was reduced to a pile of rubble. (Obviously it didn’t like the cursing).
And there was Butcher Ma – dust all over her, phone in hoof – standing in the middle of it all – NAKED.
Would you look in a different direction?”
Yes, Ma,” agreed Pink Joe as he turned.
A minute later the phone struck Pink Joe in the back of the neck.
There. I’ve called an ambulance,” said Butcher Ma satisfied.
Two minutes later, Diabetes was still scuttling around when a small white truck emblazoned with a red cross pulled up.
The back door of the vehicle burst open violently. Two mad scientists jumped out of the back like ninjas and bounded their way over to Diabetes. They grabbed Diabetes, jumped back to the truck and stuffed him in through the rear doors. The ninja scientists crammed themselves in the back. The door closed, and the truck screeched off into the distance.
Butcher Ma and Pink Joe were left standing, shocked.
What just happened?!” asked Pink Joe. “Weren’t they suppose to take Mini, not Diabetes?!”
I must have dialed the wrong number…”
You said you called the ‘emergency number’.”
Well, you know, with hooves like these you can easily press buttons wrong,” explained Butcher Ma.
Then who was that?!”
Butcher Ma and Pink Joe watched anxiously as the truck drove away in the distance, but they both managed to glimpse the name of the company it belonged to on the back:
‘THE ANTI OBESITY MILITIA – 917 (Ph.)’
Oh, man…” both pigs muttered.
Looks like you won’t be leaving after all, Pink Joe and Mini…”
(…And they wouldn’t be able to bash up the Big Bad Wolf).
TWO YEARS LATER:
…A truck pulled up outside the residence of: ‘Butcher Ma, Pink Joe and Mini’. The door opened. The slimmest and sleekest pig in the world stepped out of it like a top model on a cat-walk, and then knocked casually on the house’s door. The family of three all answered it and all had a look of shock on their faces. (It took a few moments to recognize him for he had once been so different).
But they all knew who it was.
His voice was handsome, masculine and his hair was slick.
The name’s Slim…”
Diabetes was back.
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