From Sean Curry, Foreign Secretary, United States of Americano, Cappuccino and Latte
Dear Thai people,
First of all, this is not my secretary speaking. This is me, writing to you personally. I’ve received so many letters from Thailand that my mailbox is ready to burst. When I say “mailbox”, I mean of course my Facebook page, Twitter and Instagram – even my deserted Hi-5 account.
Kudos to the fortunate few who have had your “open” letters published in the newspaper. And it was great to hear that one long letter even made it onto YouTube.
But I’ll come clean: I have enough on my plate right now. Thailand isn’t high on my list of priorities for this region, what with the dispute in the South China Sea to deal with.
Frankly speaking, I haven’t read (or watched) any of your letters. My job is to issue statements of the USACL stance on each international issue as it arises. You know how you keep posting on Facebook to show “friends” that you care and, more importantly, to remind them you still exist? Well, my statements work the same way.
I hear from my staff that you disapprove of my statement condemning the coup. Mountains of your letters deliver the same message: “It’s none of your business.”
People have said that before, but it’s never stopped us. We waged war in Iraggi and Afghanicca. We even broadcast it live on our ZNN channel. We used whatever justification suited us and fed it to our media networks. They are always eager to paint us in a morally righteous light, no matter how ugly our actions appear to others.
Some of you claim I haven’t been properly briefed on events in Thailand. Many of you even want me to remove my envoy in Bangkok. One of our citizens in Thailand, a high-profile journalist dubbed Mike the Mouth, is waging a daily war of words against my envoy and his own country.
Misinformed? Let me clarify this. You must have missed a whole chunk of modern history to assume that my statement was built on wrong information. The USACL is one of the most “informed” nations on Earth. Google “Snowden” if you don’t believe me.
Our reaction is purely standard. You have a coup, and you give us no option. Our main export is democracy – the genuine and only formula that values freedom of expression and human rights. Anything less won’t be accepted. And please don’t compare our stance on E-Gypt with our statement on Thailand. What happened in E-Gypt wasn’t a military takeover – the word “coup” was never even mentioned when ZNN broke the news.
Some of you are upset at our “slap in the face” and want to boycott our products and services in retaliation. Think twice before taking such a drastic step. You would have to find a new home for your selfies on social networks. And if you quit our posh coffee, you’d have to opt for StarBung. Junk food and addictive TV series would be banished from your daily life. Stay friends with us and you automatically remain part of the civilised world.
We do understand your hostility, but we get it everywhere across the globe. Even our own people condemn our acts of aggression. To tell the truth, it doesn’t bother us. As long as we retain our age-old brand as beacon of democracy and champion of human rights, nothing else matters.
I hear that the Thai junta is now running a “Return happiness to the people” campaign. Give me a break! Even a fully and genuinely democratic regime like ours can’t guarantee happiness for everyone – just witness all the gun crime and serial killers.
You might call us a fair-weather friend, but let me tell you that, without our beautiful rhetoric on democracy and freedom, your country could hardly hold its head up on the world stage. Look at your neighbours – every single one has at least labelled itself a democracy to satisfy us. Unless you are the size of China and have enough oil and gas to bargain with, you are always obliged to follow us – leader of the world order. Your tiny Kingdom should learn to turn to an experienced supervisor like us. There is no reason to resist.
And don’t worry – my statement was just routine. You know we will come back soon enough, just like we always do. Look at Myanmar, for example, where we are back after decades shunning the junta. You should learn from them: adapt to our culture and we will gladly embrace you.
Please do not write me AGAIN. See you soon, Thailand.
United States of Americano, Cappuccino and Latte.