Eyes brimming with tears, Sirisakul "Kaem" Saikua opens her heart, revealing what ordeals she and her children have lived through as the family of Natthawut, or "Ten", a core leader of the red-shirt movement who has been remanded on charges of terrorism since the May mayhem in Bangkok.
"Every time I read a letter he writes to his children, I cannot help but cry. When my son sees me cry, he consoles me, telling me not to cry. Every night after putting my baby to sleep, I sit alone and cry," she said.
For about three months, Kaem has been visiting her husband every day to exchange moral support. They normally talk about their three-year-old son Na Pok or "Chang Noi", and their three-month-old daughter, Chad-arporn or "Tratrung", whose father has not had a chance to hold.
Sirisakul said she had prayed that her husband survived to see the baby, who was expected on May 10. He promised to be right by her side when she delivered their baby but she told him not to go out of the rally site, fearing he would be shot. She believed he would be safer staying among the protesters.
The day she gave birth, Natthawut arrived at the hospital before she did. The doctor felt sorry for them and let him wait in the delivery room. She lost consciousness due to the anaesthetic given her during a caesarean section. Natthawut took his daughter to a nursery room and stuck around - not for long. Before leaving, he left a note to his new daughter, which read: "I have to leave you because someone is coming to catch me. I'm not afraid but I have hundreds of thousands of brothers and sisters who vow to live and die together with me waiting for me at the rally site. I cannot abandon them. I'm sorry that I can't be with you even the first day that you're born," he said.
Sirisakul said that since their son was born, Natthawut hardly had time to take care of him. He came home late and got to see the boy only in the morning. The boy has not seen him since his arrest three months ago. When he was asked where his father was, the boy said his father went in search of democracy. Now when he is asked the same question, he says his father is at work or sometimes the boy would not respond. Sometimes Napok wraps his arms around a bag filled with letters and photos of his father. Sometimes when Sirisakul puts on a shirt printed with a picture of his father, her son recognises him in the picture and tells her to play with his father. She said it hurts every time that happens.
Natthawut named his son Napok which is the initial of the same name he gave to the United Front for Democracy formed in 2007. Sirisakul also named her son Chang Noi or "Little Elephant" because she dreamt that she was given an elephant when she was pregnant. Also Natthawut named their daughter Chard-arporn as it literally means red shirt. The nickname Tratrung is also given to her daughter because she was born during the time that should go down in the memory lane. Sirisakul underwent a vasectomy after giving birth to her daughter because she did not wish for her third child, fearing having to go through an ordeal of being pregnant during political turmoil.During the May crackdown on protesters, she always watched the television while trying to phone her husband. She could not contact him because the telephone signal was cut. On May 19, as she was looking at a television programme airing the red-shirt rally, she heard the constant sound of bullets being fired.
She was in tears when she saw her husband on TV standing at the centre of the stage - and then he was dragged down the stage and went back up on stage again, and all the time the sound of gunfire went on.
"I was praying that he would instruct the protesters what to do and leave the stage as soon as possible. I prayed he escaped death. My daughter was only nine days old. I've been sad since the day she was born, fearing my husband might die. However I wished he did not run away. If there are two choices between him running away and being jailed, I would rather he is jailed because he should be with the people.
"He's lucky that he's well-loved and he should be with the people who love him. I don't mean that people who flee are wrong. Even if he's killed for sticking with the protesters, he shouldn't run away. The red shirts, who visit him in jail, love him dearly," she said.
Sirisakul said since 1997, Natthawut has spent less than a month with his family. If he wasn't with the protesters at a demonstration site, he would rally up country. Since the red shirts gathered at their rally site in Rajprasong, she said they talked together less than 10 times. She missed him so much and so did he. Once he wanted to see his children, so she drove them to the protest site. He came out to see the children in the car and left. Since he has been jailed, they can get to see each other everyday.
"Pee Ten is not the romantic type of man, but since he has been jailed, he tells me he loves me everyday. At home, he never said that," she said.
Though she worries about his safety, she never tried to persuade him to quit politics. "Natthawut is very poised, collected and highly focused. He's good at solving problems," she said.
She believes she married the right guy because he's a man of sincerity and honesty.
They met when he was studying for his master's at the National Institute of Development Administration in 2003. He had not yet entered the political arena but ran a business which was quite successful. After dating for awhile, he decided to enter politics. She did not stop him but in fact supported him financially, even though they were not yet married. Her friends warned her, asking if she was confident in him, and she told them she trusted him and that whatever will be will be.
They tied the knot in 1997 and not long after that, Natthawut was jailed for the storming of the Si Sao residence. "I was so confused thinking what destiny am I facing, now that my newlywed husband is being jailed? After he was released, I told him that I was so humiliated that he was jailed. But he reassured me that he didn't kill anyone and it was just a political game. Now I'm used to the fact that he's in jail. This is the third time," she said.
Sirikul said she went to see a fortune teller who predicted that her husband would be jailed four times. She went to tell her husband who dismissed the prediction saying he would be jailed only three times. "His friends in jail joked that they are not going to fight along with Natthawut again because they would also meet the same fate, going to jail," she said.Her earnest wish is that he is released as soon as possible. Her husband however warns her not to deceive herself with false hope, as he fears she would be disappointed. "He's in jail and he has to give me moral support instead of the other way around," she said.
She always talks to him about their daughter, whom he saw only a few minutes after birth. She shows photos of her husband to her small baby, who now can turn herself over, so that she knows what his face looks like.
"I'm afraid that when my husband is released and comes back, my daughter won't know him," she said.