I'm not going to let anybody else say it first, so here goes. The following dialogue is a fantasy. If names or events mentioned here remind you of anyone, any place, or anything at all in real life, it's simply an accident and I take no responsibility. Writers, as Robert Amsterdam has acknowledged, can imagine things. Whatever he may have been mixed up about, I have to admit he's right about that.
This is a conversation between a fictional lawyer, whose fame is moderate but whose wealth is obscene, and a client, whose fame is anything but moderate and whose wealth is an insult to obscenity. They are discussing what is publicly known as a human rights crusade to help poor people in the client's country.
You may wonder how the greedy and the greedier come to care about the rights of the poor. A corny premise, I know, but don't laugh. In a writer's universe, anything's possible.
Client: Are you out of your mind?
Lawyer: What's wrong, sir?
Client: This month's bill is what's wrong. Do I have "Lawyers' gold mine" taped to my forehead? This isn't daylight robbery; this is old-fashioned colonial plunder!
Lawyer: With all due respect, sir, you hired me in early May and the bloody riots were not part of the deal. It made my job far more difficult. You have no idea how hard it was to get around that in my Black Paper.
Client: Are you telling me you need US$5 million more for putting together stuff that I can find in The Wall Street Journal and a dozen blogs? And never ever talk about the riots that way again. I told you, the government faked the arson to frame my people.
Lawyer: I know that, sir. I'm a human rights lawyer. That's why you recruited me.
Client: I took you in because you did a great job glorifying that Russian billionaire and turning fraud charges against him into a Greek tragedy. To help you buy a Mediterranean island and a new yacht was not part of my plan. If you're not more reasonable with your fees, I'm going to Thongbai Thongpao.
Lawyer: They'll have him for lunch in two days, sir. Look, I understand your frustration. The US vote was not quite what we had expected, and your party has just lost a by-election. How about splitting the difference? How does $2.5 million sound for the Black Paper?
Client: $1.5 million up front and the rest only if the paper makes its way to the New York Times or Washington Post websites.
Lawyer: Deal, sir.
Client: Oh, and leave that novelist alone. Every time you say his name it reminds people that he wrote his rebuttal for free but you wouldn't have given a "beep" about what's going on in that country but for some ridiculously big cheques.
Lawyer: I have to eat, sir. This is also your popular argument, remember? You always said, while prime minister, that your relatives and associates had to carry on their businesses because they had to eat, too.
Client: Just curious. Have you ever had a client who's really poor? I mean like dirt poor, and you had to almost help them for free?
Lawyer: Thanks to you, sir, I'm helping countless poor in one country fight for their rights. But before this, I never got a chance. Any government would kick me out if I sneaked into their country and offer to represent, say, families of suspected drug peddlers slain by police in extra-judicial killings, or relatives of Muslim men made to suffocate to death on military trucks.
Client: Are you kidding me? That must be every human rights lawyer's dream come true. I would have done anything to get those cases. I would have killed to be able to work for those victims.
Lawyer: Well, we all need to start somewhere. After we win this one, maybe we'll go after other renowned human rights abusers together - like those responsbile for blood diamonds or blood gold. How about that?
Client: Great minds think alike! Let's go get those "beeps" and make this world a better place to live.
Lawyer: So, are we cool now?
Client: Yes, we're cool now.
Lawyer: Well then, I will have to excuse myself. Some final touches are needed for the Black Paper. "Unarmed" and "unelected" are mentioned too few and far between, so I'm planning to increase the frequency a bit.
Client: Good. Oh, and don't forget what they say - to win a legal war, we have to do whatever it takes, including telling the truth sometimes.