The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong-un in Vietnam last week featured a one-on-one session where the two leaders were alone with only their interpreters for company. Fortunately 007 managed to record their conversation. What follows are excerpts.
Trump (giving Kim a wink): Hey pal, I like you, and we’re gonna have a good relationship. But right now I want you to surrender your nuclear arsenal first.
Kim: Fine by me, but you know your sanctions have caused hardship to my people. You must cancel all the sanctions passed by UN resolution before we will disarm our nuclear weapons.
Trump: Sure, we will lift the sanctions … eventually. But you have to disarm not only your nuclear complex at Yongbyon, but also your other secret facilities. My intelligence people know every one of them – you can’t hide anything from the old master, Kim.
Kim: Do you think I am stupid? Without nukes I am nude. Buck naked. Stripped bare like Stormy Daniels. After I have disarmed, how do I know you won’t appoint my cousin to replace me as Dear Leader, just like what you did to Venezuela’s Maduro?
Trump: Don’t worry buddy. I guarantee you that John Bolton and Pompeo won’t lay their hands on you. [Staring dreamily over Kim’s shoulder] You know what? I will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize if our denuclearisation deal goes through…
Kim: Don’t take me for a ride, big brother. It’s already taken me 65 hours by train to get to this summit.
Trump: Okay buddy, let’s do it like this. We let our people continue negotiating until we have a deal sometime in the middle of next year – just in time to boost my re-election chances drastically. And I don’t mind sharing the Nobel Peace Prize with you.
Kim (murmuring): Son of a [inaudible].
Both leaders emerged from behind closed doors, shook each other’s hand, gave a big smile to the press and went their separate ways.