A dog lover writes from Pattaya

your say November 02, 2018 01:00

3,630 Viewed

Re: “Bestiality charges: Chiang Mai man arrested for offering sex with dogs,” Around Thailand, yesterday.

Here we are informed that a Chiang Mai man is being prosecuted for offering commercial sex with his collection of pet dogs. We are not told the price of each, uh, encounter, nor are we told exactly what crime he is charged with.

This gentleman is obviously offering a service of dubious morality, and I expect to be viciously attacked for what I am about to propose. A system of commercial sex with dogs, properly controlled and administered, would be highly beneficial to those legions of ugly men who cannot get a girl. 

Of course, the dogs would have to be female. We don’t want to encourage homosexuality. Preferably they would be small, fluffy, cuddlesome dogs like toy poodles, shihtzus, or bichon frises. The average man might be intimidated at the prospect of initiating a sexual liaison with a female Great Dane, Doberman, German shepherd, or pit bull. (And aren’t these designations sexist? Shouldn’t the females of these breeds, for the sake of political correctness, be labelled Great Danesses, Doberwomen, German shepherdesses, and pit cows?) 

I confess to being an ugly man who cannot get a girl. I prefer to characterise myself as facially challenged, looks-wise. Hitherto I have confined my affections to rabbits – female only, nothing kinky. But as a broad-minded person of liberal and eclectic tastes, I might find a cute toy poodle or shihtzu to be a satisfactory alternative.

The practice of offering commercial sex with dogs would of course have to be strictly regulated by the law and approved by the various clergies. Otherwise, it might be demonised by the bluenoses as a kind of prostitution. You could call it dogstitution. (Incidentally, I find the term “bitch”, applied to female dogs, to be offensive and insulting. Far better to label female dogs as dogesses, dogettes, or even caninettes.)

There is of course the problem of consensuality. You would not want to compel a dogess to endure sex with a human as facially challenged (looks-wise) as my good self. But the dogess in question could easily demonstrate her consent with a precoital display of affection like licking my looks-challenged face. If she growled or bit me, that would certainly disqualify me from further amorous activity. I would then be forced to retreat to a corner where I could weep quietly at having been so callously rejected.

I hope that imaginative and intrepid entrepreneurs will consider this idea and work out legal, moral, and socially approved methods of implementing it. Then that unjustly persecuted Chiang Mai man may be regarded, not as a deviant and a criminal, but as a pioneer.

Hadrian Beasley