Proposing a more gentlemanly approach to artificial insemination

your say April 26, 2018 01:00

Re:  “While dairy farming is terribly cruel, artificial insemination is not rape”, Have Your Say, April 25.

JC Wilcox assures us that artificial insemination of cows is not rape, and treats us to a detailed, in-depth description of the process that demonstrates his personal expertise. And may I say that my esteem for him has risen a hundredfold due to this revelation of his arcane skills, even though his description might have caused some of our more sensitive readers to lose their breakfasts.

In JC’s view, the cow is “in heat”, so the process cannot be rape. It is rape only if the recipient is unwilling. Presumably the cow, being “in heat”, is willing. But I doubt that she would be willing to be penetrated by a long glass tube. For sure she would prefer the more substantial endowment of a well-hung bull. So in that sense, it is rape.    

To spare the sensitivities of the cow, it is incumbent on artificial inseminators to encase the offending long glass tube in material that simulates, as closely as possible, the endowment (I am trying to be tasteful here!) of a bull – in size, texture, yes, and even in appearance – in case the cow should turn around to have a look.  

Assuming that this process succeeds in bringing the cow to a satisfactory orgasm, bovine-rights advocates should have no problem with it. And it is important that the cow should achieve orgasm, to bring some small pleasure into her sad life. Bovine rightists will surely approve, and artificial inseminators will receive a gold star from PETA for their thoughtfulness and compassion. (And may I digress to note that I have never seen a cow in orgasm. I presume that, with his vast experience, Mr Wilcox has. I imagine that the sight must be quite impressive, and suggest that certain Bangkok bars might consider including it in their live shows. With, of course, the written consent of the relevant cows.)

These reforms will bring the cruel process of bovine artificial insemination closer to its counterpart in nature. They should be sufficiently merciful to satisfy our Australian contingent, and will entitle their practitioners to claim the proud title of cow inseminator.  It will look good on their CVs.

Ye Olde Pedant