An enquiry into the presidential proportions

your say March 22, 2018 01:00

I watch a lot of CNN, and I was riveted to learn that porn star Stormy Daniels passed a polygraph test in which she admitted to having “unprotected vaginal sex” with Donald Trump.

There is no way to ask this tastefully, but let me try. Before she writes her best-selling book (profusely illustrated, I hope), which is bound to become an Academy Award-winning movie, could Ms Daniels please inform an avid public as to the approximate or precise dimensions of the presidential organ? It would also be helpful to know if its deployment techniques sufficed to satisfy a (presumably experienced) porn star.

I solicit this information, not for salacious reasons, but out of an altruistic concern for the public good: specifically, to enable American voters to determine whether their president is worthy of re-election in 2020. 

Should it not be forthcoming within a reasonable timeframe, I urge the dedicated editors and hard-hitting reporters of The Nation to perform a valuable public service by conducting a no-holds-barred, in-depth investigation to elicit the relevant data on this seminal issue.

Always striving for the public good,

Horace Beasley