News of the future: Gunman enters school…

your say February 27, 2018 01:00

Re: Teachers with guns or cops in the schools? 

I have solved the conundrum of whether the US should arm schoolteachers or station security guards in its schools.  Schoolteachers by temperament are usually disinclined to function as cops, and as the recent tragedy in Florida suggests, security guards will sometimes prove derelict in their duties. 

The solution is robots. Yes! Robots are now coming up in the world, and will soon replace humans in a variety of functions. I personally look forward to the day when letters in this column by Robo-Bahrt, Robo-Frank and Robo-Wilcox will replace those from their human counterparts. A properly programmed robo-cop stationed on every floor of every school will ensure safety for students throughout the United States.  

My programme will lead to episodes like the following:

Scene: The third floor of the Maya Angelou High School in suburban Los Angeles. Robo-cop LA/MAHS-003 is on duty at the end of the hallway. A deranged shooter enters, armed with grenades, a pistol and an AR-15 assault rifle.

Robo-cop: What is your business here, citizen? The administrative offices are on the first floor.

Deranged shooter: I’m on a mission to express my angst by shooting up a bunch of students, you tin monkey! But now I’ll start with you.

Robo-cop: Put down your weapon, punk!

(Shooter ignores him and raises his AR-15 to fire. Robo-cop’s right arm instantly morphs into a Glock Scheissenpantzer Z-55 machinegun. He shoots the shooter down in hail of gunfire. Shooter dies, noisily.)

Robo-cop: Too bad. He must have been mentally disturbed. The filthy epithets he screamed in his death throes suggest considerable alienation from mainstream society. Well, that’s another school population saved from another tragic massacre by the timely intervention of a heroic and properly programmed…****ROBO-COP!!!****  (Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” thunders in the background as we fade out.)


S Tsow