Re: “Xi orders country’s ‘toilet revolution’ to march on” and “Septic tank at the centre of massive Chinese explosion”, World, November 28.
The juxtaposition of these two articles, and the events they celebrate, is significant. Chinese Core Leader Xi Jinping orders his minions to clean up China’s robust toilet scene, and a septic tank in Ningbo blows up in response.
My study of theology reveals the existence of a toilet god, called Cesuo Shen in Chinese, who presides over the toilet world. He may be offended by the Core Leader’s interference in his domain. Hence the explosion of septic tanks. So fight fiercely, Core Leader! Do not let the poo-pots prevail. But be careful. Extreme grossness is the natural state of Chinese toilets, and the toilet god may want to keep it that way.
Here a compromise may be called for. My sources inform me that the toilet god can be placated and won over by copious sacrifices of toilet paper. I suggest that the Core Leader should sponsor such rituals, adopt a softly-softly approach, and humbly beseech Cesuo Shen to submit graciously to the current clean-up campaign. If this effort succeeds, we shall see a serendipitous fusion of the interests of both religion and sanitation; and the Chinese Dream (of which clean toilets must surely be a part) will be one step closer to reality.
Ye Olde Theologian