The case to ban people from Thailand’s beaches

your say October 16, 2017 01:00

Re: “Beach-smoking ban will boost health of humans and economy,” Have Your Say, October 14.

I commend the Southeast Asia Tobacco Control Alliance for its warm solicitude and compassionate concern for environmental purity and human health. 

Every time I go to the beach, I always worry about stubbing my toe on a rogue cigarette butt and having a nasty fall. There is also the hazard of all those poisonous filters spewing their deadly toxins all over the beach.

As the junta continues its stately march to the goal of a totalitarian Thailand, I offer a humble suggestion. (And doesn’t “Totalitarian Thailand” have a grander and more alliterative ring to it than the shopworn tourism slogan “Amazing Thailand”?)

Don’t ban smoking from the beaches, and don’t ban dogs or vendors. Ban people. 

It is people who cause all the litter on our beaches. The seagulls, who poo in the air and on the shimmering sands, are also guilty, but they can be captured, neutered, and fitted with diapers.

If people were banned from Thailand’s beaches, the sands and their adjacent waters would soon be pristine and undefiled. Every beach in Thailand should be protected from wanton human desecration by a wire-mesh fence. I call upon the junta to introduce this innovation for the benefit of its helots. 

People wishing to see the beaches could gawk at them through the fences, and the junta could enrich its coffers, which I am sure are threadbare, by charging for the privilege.

Always trying to be helpful,

Ye Olde Pedant

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