I expect to be viciously attacked for what I am about to write, but somebody has to do the heavy lifting. Since my beloved wife recently had her say in these august columns, fairness demands equal time for the testosterone boys.
Let me be clear. I hold no brief for men in positions of power who pressure women to submit to their unwanted sexual advances. That is bullying, and nobody approves of bullying except maybe Donald Trump.
Sexual harassment is a malignant outgrowth of what used to be known as innocent flirting. Women used to regard a wolf whistle as a compliment. Now it’s called acoustic sexual assault, and if they don’t throw you in jail for it, they’ll at least fire you from your job and ruin your reputation.
So here’s the skinny, sports fans. Herewith I present the Beasley Programme for Eradicating Sexual Harassment (BPESH). Men must respond to the current kerfuffle by giving up. That’s right, we’ll give the feminists and their allies everything they want. Here’s a code of conduct for men, inspired by the rules for Buddhist monks:
No man shall ever touch a woman. At all times, all his limbs and organs shall remain chastely immobile at a distance of at least a metre from her nearest extremity. No man shall ever be left alone in a room with a woman. A third (and if possible, a fourth) party must always be present to monitor his actions, preferably with video camera and voice recorder.
For the purpose of procreating our species, exceptions to these rules may be made if the woman gives her expressed verbal or written consent. Romantic dialogues will go like this:
He: Can I touch yer hair, then?
She: All right. Gently.
He: Stroke yer cheek?
She: Okay. Only the left one, though.
He: How about a little kissy?
She: Gently. Just on the cheek.
He: May I fondle yer boobies?
She: You may stroke the right one. Gently. Fingertips only. No grabbing or squeezing. And only the right one. Keep away from the left one.
He: How about if I insert me main member into yer little honeypot, then?
She (screaming): OH! YOU BEAST! POLICE! HELP! I AM BEING BRUTALLY RAPED BY THIS MONSTER!
(End of romantic episode.)
By embracing the Beasley Programme, humankind will enter a new, utopian era of civilised behaviour and genteel treatment of women. It will also help to reduce the human population, which is currently overwhelming our planet.
But there is an objection. Under such an austere regimen, how shall frustrated men and women satisfy their sexual needs? Ah. Where humans fail, technology comes to the rescue. We’ll have lifelike robots, of both genders, deliciously configured and programmed to satisfy their owners’ most erotic sexual desires. It is only a matter of time before technology will catch up with this lofty vision and liberate us all from the inhumane strictures currently in vogue.