What would happen if US President Donald Trump (“Donnie the Mouth”) met North Korean supremo Kim Jong-un (“Li’l Kimmie”)?
Join us as we listen in on an imaginary meeting between the two leaders in Pyongyang:
Kim: You! Yankee dog! You insult me, call me Little Rocketman! You are old dotard!
Trump: I’ll have to look that up. Hope it’s nothing like a dodo. Okay, I’m easy, I’ll call you Big Rocketman.
Kim (placated): That better. Okay, you not dotard. Just crazymad old lunatic and demented retard.
Trump: That really does sound better. My staff, aka my minders, sometimes called my babysitters by the Fake News Media, tell me I should be nice to you. So what do you want from us? That is, aside from the undeserved survival of your satanic and palpably evil regime.
Kim: I want imperialist US-of-fascist-A to open new embassy in Pyongyang. Make Dennis Rodman ambassador. We want tall ambassador with lots of tattoos and piercings, always high on dope. Very high class. Also want you to serve cheeseburgers in embassy cafeteria. We no can get decent cheeseburgers in Pyongyang.
Trump: Can do, maybe, but I don’t give things away, I make deals. In return for that, we’ll want you to shut down your nuclear programme.
Kim: Ho! Fat chance! Nuclear programme only thing we got to bargain with. Nuclear programme non-negotiable.
Trump: Okay. No cheeseburgers for you in our embassy cafeteria, and no Dennis Rodman, either. You’ll get Steve Bannon as our ambassador.
Kim (relenting): Maybe we scale back nuclear programme just a little. Could limit production to hydrogen bombs. No neutron bombs.
Trump: Now we’re dealin’. In return for that, we’ll provide mustard for your cheeseburgers.
Kim: Ho! You crazy? Nobody eat cheeseburgers with mustard!
Trump: You should try it, it’s very tasty.
Kim: You give me ketchup with cheeseburgers, maybe we tip rockets with kimchi. Give you kimchi to eat as we blow you up. Ha ha!
Trump: Li’l Kimmie, I like your wacky sense of humour. Maybe we can do business.
Kim: You invite me to Mar-a-Lago, give me shot at Ivanka, maybe we become good friends.
Trump: Mar-a-Lago, can do. Ivanka, no. She’s taken.
Kim: Okay, I’m easy. Tiffany, then.
Trump: I’ll see what she thinks. But watch out for sexual harassment suits in my country. Nowadays you can get slapped with a sexual harassment suit just for winking at a woman.
Kim: I know all stupid things going on in your crazy country. What you need is good North Korean gulag. Put Anthony Scaramucci in charge. Lock all crazies up – Islamic terrorists, fascist rednecks, feminist hyenas, Hillary, Pocahontas, Democrats, John McCain, everybody. Pull out all their fingernails. I can sell you pre-fab gulag at cut-rate price. You buy one, get one free. I throw in torture instruments as bonus. Ship to you by DHL. Solve all your problems.
Trump: Sounds like a deal. I’ll take it up with my staff.
Kim: Let’s go for lunch. When I visit Mar-a-Lago, can you introduce me to Billy Bush? Also want to meet LeBron James and Britney Spears, visit Disney World.
Trump: That’s a fairly tough agenda, but I’ll take it up with my staff. For all that, we may want you to demobilise your entire army and mothball all your weapons.
Kim: Fat chance! But you discuss with your babysitters, I talk with my generals. Maybe we can reach compromise. And when we’re at lunch, watch out for rat poison in your kimchi.
Trump: When you visit Mar-a-Lago, you be careful about the mustard on your cheeseburger, too.
(They walk off into the sunset, hand in hand, as the music swells and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir thunders the “Hallelujah Chorus”. Curtain.)