THAI TALK : The election kick-off speech we didn’t get to hear

Published on Oct 21, 2004

Dear fellow countrymen: You all know I am a straight-talking guy. And I am going to level with you all: my sex life has been affected by my first term serving the country. I therefore need four more years to fix my libido. Only power can restore my sexual appetite.



You know, the hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-you sort of theory. Since I have devoted so much energy to serving the people, I am sure you understand why I think the country owes me another term to compensate for the loss of my sex-drive.

But I have a confession to make: I have learned from my job as prime minister that exercising political power is much better than sex. Lots of people give me foreplay. I can play hard to get. And I always get on top of things. They massage my ego, day in day out. They keep telling me how great I am even when I know I am far from up to standard on any particular day. But they keep asking for more. In my private sex life, I am not too sure about myself, but in politics, I know I am in charge.

Now, as for the real purpose of this election campaign kick-off speech – I am not going to beat about the bush. All I want is your votes.

The official slogan is: The past four years were for fixing the country and the next four years will be about building a nation. What I actually mean is that the past four years were a seed-sowing experiment and the next four years are harvest time. I gave away so many freebies that I am sure you appreciate why I am telling you that it’s payback time for all voters. You say the free gifts weren’t enough and that you were expecting more? Well, I knew that would be the case. In fact, that was the whole idea from the very beginning. My government wanted to make sure that the citizens didn’t have to think, didn’t have to worry and didn’t have to try too hard. We gave you free medical care, free money, easy money, subsidies for oil prices, lots of fun with the government-run lottery and, if the opposition hadn’t blocked us, we would have already had a casino in every village by now.

My slow-witted critics say I have spoiled you and that the Thai people now are more dependent on the government than before. What’s wrong with that? The more I give, the more votes I get, which means I have more power to spend money on you. Those morons may call it a “vicious circle”. I call it a “happy merry-go-round”.

My dear fellow countrymen, I know you want more from me. In the brief four years of my leadership, you have seen how you can rely on me to respond to every need in your lives. You don’t need an opposition. You don’t need a critical press. All those academics who have criticised me are nothing but spoilsports. In fact, allow me let you into a little secret: you don’t even need a government. You just need me. My Cabinet members are nice and obedient, but if you want to know the truth, they are just like the rest of you: they don’t really think or do things. I tell them what they should think and what they have to do. They are there simply because the Constitution stipulates that I need to have a Cabinet. You see, I am a true believer in following the Constitution. I follow its provisions – in so far as I see it fit.

Today, my dear fellow countrymen, I come here to follow your wishes. You want more freebies. You will get more freebies. But don’t forget, you will get those new gifts only after election day. Okay, I will allow that you need proof that I am not just some cheeky salesman, promising more than he can deliver. I am going to leave you with some samples of the goods. But if you don’t sign the purchase orders and vote for my party, you will be very sorry indeed. The rest of the goodies won’t be there if you cast your ballots for the opposition.

Today, I am offering you two million cows for farmers. I am going to set up village-level banks all around the country. I am going to overhaul the education system. Students won’t have to worry about schooling anymore. You repay the government after you have graduated. All newborn babies will get free gift packages. Sugarcane planters, your votes haven’t come this way in enough numbers yet, so you will get a guaranteed price of Bt600 per tonne from the next season. Palm planters, take care how you cast your ballots next time, because I am going to expand palm cultivation areas.

And I have a very special message for Bangkokians. You disappointed me in the last Bangkok governor election. You didn’t vote for my girl. You got it wrong. You voted for someone from the opposition. Besides, my polls say that my popularity among the well-educated and sophisticated voters of the capital has plummeted. I don’t like what I hear. I don’t think you know me well enough. So, hear this: you are going to get Bt1 trillion to build more than 200 kilometres of subways and elevated railways to solve your traffic problems once and for all. You don’t know well me enough. You say money doesn’t talk? Well, this time around, you are going to see me use money to convince you that I can solve any problem as long as I have the money to throw at it.

You ask me where I will get all this money from? Anyone who asks that question is very naive and hopelessly stupid. I am the richest man in this country and I have been a businessman all my life. Would I have become so successful if I hadn’t known a thing or two about money?

My secret, of course, has always been that I know how to spend other people’s money. Yes, it’s your tax money. Didn’t you know that when you voted overwhelmingly for me and my party the last time you were giving me the mandate to handle this resource? Now don’t say you didn’t know that it was part of the package. Besides, if I want to please you all so that you will vote me back in again, your paltry tax money isn’t going to be enough, so I am going to use other financial tricks. I am going to turn paper into money. Yes, to get another four-year term, I need to prove that I am not merely a shrewd politician. I have to become a magician too.

You say you are worried about debt if I start issuing financial instruments of all sorts? You just have to trust me. I was successful as a businessman because I started out in debt. Debt means creditworthiness. Debt means risk, of course, but have you ever heard of any millionaire who had never been in debt before? Take me as an example. What is good for me, naturally, is good for the country.

You say we should stick to “self-sufficiency” economic policies? I have to mention that policy from time to time because it’s fashionable to do so. But, frankly, you must have noticed that self-sufficiency is a very dull and unexciting style of life. I couldn’t possibly get more votes in the next election by telling everyone to save and be happy with their frugal means. Frugality is boring, sluggish and jaded. Frugality certainly doesn’t attract votes. And for God’s sake, for now, all I need are votes, not talk about civil society, transparency, conflict of interest and all the other silly accoutrements of what you call democracy.

Don’t forget, my fellow countrymen, to me, democracy is just a means. It’s not an end in itself.

You ask me why I haven’t mentioned the South, the skyrocketing oil prices or the spread of bird flu. Some of you may even be so unfair and muddle-headed as to ask me why I have no specific plan tonight to talk about fighting a real war against corruption. Do you think I am stupid enough to raise those questions in such an important speech? Of course those are crucial questions. But seriously, do you expect me to admit in my campaign kick-off speech, which is being televised nationwide to a captive and gullible audience, that I don’t really have a clue about how to put an end to all those hot issues that are really going to determine whether I am a good prime minister or not?

You want freebies. I give you freebies. It’s as simple as that. As for actually addressing the serious affairs of this country, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. You just have to trust me. You are in this together. You give me your votes. I give you free goodies.

Get this: if I get caught, you all will be my accomplices. You gave me so much power, and I have given you so many free goodies that we have spoiled each other to the point that there is no other choice for you but to vote me back in again. Do you still think you have a choice?

Good night, and may God bless you for at least four more years – of course, with me in charge.

Suthichai Yoon

The Nation