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This is the position of police chief, for crying out loud. No subject could be simpler. When we mention "police", what comes to mind? Of course, thieves, robbers, murderers, fraudsters, bribes, traffic jams, extra-judicial shootings, etc. What a straightforward range of issues. Why such a big fuss?

Why do we have to listen to what the Bhum Jai Thai Party says? If politicians knew how to catch bandits and crooks, many political parties would not have been born to begin with. Why does what Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva think matter so much? Has he ever fired a pistol? And don't get me started on Suthep Thaugsuban.

Mind you, this is not a papal conclave. This is something as simple as establishing who is the best soccer player or who is the king of tennis. And I'm not boasting when I say that when you finish my proposed selection system below, you will stop thinking this was just meant to be funny. My method is as foolproof as having men judge who should be Miss Universe.

 The idea is to have Patheep and Jumpol go through simple, relevant challenges, and the one who finishes with most points gets the top job. Can't be any easier.

1. A target shooting contest. Police work is all about guns, right? So, let's see who's the real deal here. (Winner gets 10 points.)

2. I assume that both Jumpol and Patheep must have cracked some cases or made some arrests on their way to their current positions. Simply compare the records and use common sense. (Winner gets 15 points. Injury trying to rescue a victim or taking a bullet to save a buddy gets an additional 10 points.)

3. I'm from the Bruce Willis old school, which unequivocally states that good cops have to be poor. Check out their (and their mates') bank accounts for the pair with least money. (Winner gets 30 points. An additional 10 points if children, young or grown up, are even poorer than him.)

4. Ask both this question: Since Duang Yoobamrung was acquitted of killing Senior Sgt Major Suwichai Rowimut in a crowded pub years ago, who then is the murderer? ("I don't know" gets 10 points deducted. "I know but I can't tell" gets 15 points deducted. "Of course, the killer is ..." gets 20 points.)

5. Make Patheep and Jumpol watch "Training Day" and then put them both on a lie detector and ask them about the movie. (The one who believes the Denzel Washington character is cool gets 20 points deducted.)

6. While they are still on the lie detector, sneak in a question whether they have ever received bribes or embezzled "valuable" evidence themselves. (One "Yes" gets 20 points deducted. "Yes" and "Yes" loses 40 points.)

7. Of course, the police chief doesn't need to chase suspects, but it won't hurt to check who is the fitter of the two. Put them in a 100 metre sprint showdown. (Winner gets 5 points.)

8. Make them read "The Lost Symbol" to page 200 and ask them to pick the bad guy(s). (Correct answer earns 15 points.)

9. Ask them if extra-judicial killings are right or wrong. (No points here, but the answers will be sent to Amnesty International for the record.)

10. Ask them to pinpoint Thaksin Shinawatra's whereabouts over the past 10 months. (Winner gets 15 points. This needs some honest assistance from Thaksin in his next phone-in, but since it is of crucial national interest, I'm sure he will be willing to help).

11. Ask them who are the police officers working as Thaksin's bodyguards over the past two years. ("I don't know" loses 10 points. "I know but I can't tell" loses 15 points. "They are ..." wins 20 points.)

12. Ask them who tried to kill Sondhi Limthongkul. ("I don't know" loses 10 points. "I know but I can't tell" loses 20 points. "They are ..." wins the police chief position immediately, regardless of all other results.)

13. No offence to both candidates, but I don't think Challenge No. 12 will yield the winner, so here's another: Give them a one-page essay topic: "Why becoming the police chief should never be the most important thing in a cop's life". (Winner gets 30 points. While you can decry the irony here, you can't deny the entertainment value of this last challenge. After all, I hope one of them might do some real soul-searching halfway into the essay and decide to drop out of the race, giving us all precious peace for a change.)