KARMA'S BASIC RULE: Hell first, heaven later

The thing about karma is that it is not tangible, but sometimes it can be much more effective than the long arm of the law. I have no idea why some people are not afraid of legal consequences but are terrified that they might end up paying for their bad karma. Perhaps they are reading a book entitled "When Karma Catches You" or something like that.

Discuss karma at your own peril: experience tells me to run away as fast as you can as soon you see any sign of the subject cropping up, because though it might start as a friendly football match with handshakes before kick-off, it will just end up in injuries.

To give you an idea of how perilous this topic is, let me share some of the exchanges among sceptical friends, who happen to be as clueless as I am on the subject.

Can we really banish bad karma?

The Buddha describes karma like a chain of cause and effect, so there is no way of avoiding an end result if there is an action. Unless you borrow a time-machine from Doraemon or Dr Brown from the "Back to the Future" franchise, you just can't go back and change anything. This is also the reason why I don't buy any karma-related books that try to suggest otherwise.

If I have done lots of bad things, can I ask my friends to make merit on my behalf to bail me out?

You are giving your friends far too much credit. Frankly speaking, if they knew how to eliminate bad karma, they'd be more busy bailing themselves out instead of wasting their time rescuing you.

Do monks act against the principle of karma when they participate in a ceremony for getting rid of one's karma or lifting a curse?

Sadly, the monks probably think that tending to people's superstitious side is good karma. The Buddha must be taking painkillers somewhere in his nirvana heaven around now.

Okay, but then thousands of people make merit on behalf of a dead person. Will the merit points collected be credited to the dead person's balance?

Put it this way: if you feel happy about making merit, go ahead and do it. Personally I make merit for my dogs, birds, friends and parents; yet nobody ever sends me a thank-you note or even calls me for a sweet chat. Still I do it anyway, because it makes me feel good.

If I cheat on taxes, does that count as bad karma?

Consider this: if the tax revenue is supposed to go to 300 villages, but your little fraud means that money can only get to 299 villages, and say an old man is freezing to death in village No 300 but can't be helped because there's no money, then you are screwed in karma terms.

The rule of karma is the effect your actions have and involves your past, present and future lives. How does one keep track of all the checks and balances?

The karma-balance check is not as easy as mathematics. If you do 10 good acts, it doesn't mean that you can use this credit to deduct the 10 bad deeds you did earlier. Karma's very basic rule, one that everyone's learned as a child, is that you can't write off bad karma with a good deed. In other words, serve your time in hell first and you get to go to heaven later.

Karma also entails reincarnation, so one should maximise good karma in a bid to be born in a better situation in the next life. What if you were born as a snail? What can a snail do to score higher on the karma sheet, so it is reborn as a cute dog or a panda?

My dear snail friend, if you were born as such a low-life creature, you have no way out. Just keep crawling.

This brings me to my last point: next time you spot a snail, try not to step on it, because maybe it's a boyfriend you once had, or maybe it's your ex-husband or even some politician. Be very careful, will you?