A bouquet for a dog named Bo

Though I am a stout Obamaphile, I must confess that my faith in the president's administrative ability was beginning to waver. As soon as he was elected, on November 4, Obama announced on global TV that he would fulfil a promise made to his daughters, Sasha and Malia, that a puppy would accompany them to the White House. But it wasn't till April 14 that the promised pooch arrived.

That's over five months. Wars have been fought, economies have collapsed, new nations have risen, and bears have completed their annual hibernation in less time. If it took Obama five months to pick a dog for his daughters, I wondered how long it would take him to accomplish more ambitious goals like pacifying Afghanistan, defeating al-Qaeda, bringing the economy out of recession, reversing global warming, and (best of all!) using his charm to convert the Taleban to feminism, Kim Jong-il to pacifism and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Zionism.

The logjam of indecision was finally broken when salvation came from an unexpected quarter: the immortal Senator Edward M Kennedy. Teddy, as he is fondly known in Massachusetts, owns a Portuguese water dog named Splash, who recently gave birth to a litter. Senator Kennedy presented one of these puppies to the Obamas.

Now, I come from Massachusetts, and in Massachusetts you don't say anything bad about the Kennedys unless you have a death wish. I know that there are malicious critics of this noble clan who will sneer: "Aha, I always knew those Kennedys would do anything to get back into the White House."

Such cynics are low-minded and mean-spirited. Aside from maligning the generous gesture of a great statesman, they forget that the puppy is no longer a Kennedy. He's an Obama now: a Kennedy by birth, an Obama by adoption. For Democrats, it doesn't get any better than that. The torch has been passed to a new generation in the form of a Portuguese water dog.

When I first learned the breed of the chosen pup, my chauvinistic instincts were aroused. Why should the Obamas adopt a Portuguese dog? Surely it would be better for them to adopt a true-blue, red-blooded American dog. As a Massachusetts man (we are technically known as Massholes), I'd vote for a Boston terrier. For the Obamas to go for a Portuguese dog seemed vaguely unpatriotic - though not as unpatriotic as, say, a Russian wolfhound.

But we must rise above petty provincial prejudices and embrace a broader, global vision of unity and brotherhood among nations. The presence of a Portuguese water dog in the White House is bound to improve US relations with nations of the Iberian Peninsula. Warmed by this friendly gesture, perhaps Portugal's neighbour Spain will refrain from arresting Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and putting them on trial for war crimes if they ever set foot on Spanish soil. The Brazilians, too, are bound to be pleased, for they speak Portuguese. They will be delighted to hear the First Dog barking in Portuguese (with a Massachusetts accent, of course).

On the other hand, paranoid Republicans will see in this innocent puppy a potential fifth column. They'll say he's a saboteur and an infiltrator, smuggled into the White House to dispense Iberian justice to unsuspecting evildoers. Cheney and Rumsfeld had better stay away from the White House, because the dog may have been programmed to pee on them.

Sasha and Malia have named their new pet "Bo". This name is a disappointment. It's only marginally better than two earlier names they were considering, which Michelle Obama vetoed - "Frank" and "Moose". "Bo" sounds like a name that's been truncated. It cries out for one more syllable: Bobo, Bozo or Botox, for example. Bono, if you like the singer. Bosox, if you're a fan of the Boston Red Sox.

Also, the full name "Bo Obama" doesn't sing. You need a consonant to separate the two O's. "Bo K [for Kennedy] Obama" wouldn't be bad. It sounds like "bouquet" and suggests the sweet smell of flowers. But I am miffed that the Obamas ignored a recommendation I made in these columns some time ago: that they should name their dog "Change". (See "America's New First Dog: The Vote for 'Change' Makes Sense", Opinion, November 11, 2008).

Such failure in communication means one of two things. Either the Obamas didn't like the name "Change" (impossible!) or (even more impossible!) they don't read The Nation. The latter thought is especially alarming. I can't believe Obama can be so out of touch. If he hasn't already done so, I urge him to add The Nation to his daily reading list immediately and heed the wise counsel of its columnists. How else is he going to know what Real People (as opposed to Fake People) are thinking? (Cautionary note: not all The Nation columnists are Real People. Some of us are pen names, and one of us is a small elephant.)

Photos show that Bo bears a remarkable resemblance to post-Civil War president Ulysses S Grant, whose saturnine features grace the American $50 bill. Admittedly, Bo has considerably more hair, but the resemblance is especially striking if you're drunk or on drugs.

Obama made it clear that Bo would not be sleeping in the presidential bedroom. It's difficult to blame him. Nobody would want to sleep with a Portuguese water dog who looks like Ulysses S Grant. There is also the possibility of fleas. Being banished from the presidential bedroom may inflict damage on Bo's self-esteem, but it should be alleviated by the knowledge that he'll enjoy Secret Service protection 24 hours a day.