Designing Afterman Part II: Elephants legs, no trunk

God: We're going to get rid of menstruation. Generations of women have suffered untold pain, humiliation and discrimination because of this cruel and completely unnecessary biological process. So I'm going to cancel it.

Felafel: That's wonderful, Lord. But menstruation serves an essential biological function, however painful and messy it may be. How do you plan to implement that function?

God: Don't bother me with details. You're my chief design angel - you figure it out. But I have one more improvement to bless Afterwoman with. We're going to remove the nagging gene. The big complaint men have against women is that they're always nagging. Afterwoman won't nag. When she's displeased, or when Afterman screws up, as he is bound to do all the time, given his gender - she won't even open her mouth.

Felafel: I hope she's not going to give him the silent treatment. That's even worse. He'll never know what he's done wrong.

God: She won't do that, either. In accordance with the latest technology, she'll just send him a brief but polite text message. Then she'll shut up. End of story. The stereotype of the bitchy woman will be history. Instead, we'll have sweet Afterwoman, with her four breasts, her bulging biceps, and her chirpy text messages.

Felafel: She sounds wonderful, Lord.

God: Now that we've perfected Afterwoman, let us turn our divine attention back to Afterman. Just to make life more interesting, Afterman will have one tiny defect. He won't be able to read text messages.

Felafel: Ah. That'll spice things up, all right.

God: Then we have to reduce his sex drive. The world's disgraceful state of massive overpopulation is due entirely to man's insatiable sex drive. Man is a rutting monster, seething with hormones, constantly sniffing about for lust-objects to debauch. We're going to stop that. Afterman will feel like having sex only when he and his Afterspouse have made a rational decision to have a child. Sex will be only for reproduction, not for recreation. That will save enormous amounts of time and energy in the lives of Afterhumans.

Felafel: Errrr … what are they going to do for recreation, then?

God: They'll play golf. 

Felafel: With all due respect, Lord, this makes life much less exciting. Wouldn't it be more interesting if you kept man's sex drive the way it is? Much of what passes for human culture is based on the relationship between the sexes. If Afterhumans don't have any sex drive, there'll be no "Sex and the City". There'll be no books, no movies, no TV, no soap operas, no music, nothing. There'll be nothing for writers to write about.

God: They can write about golf.

Felafel: Golf is boring. Sex makes life interesting. In fact, I think you ought to enhance Afterman's bilaterally symmetrical design by giving him two sex organs.

God: Same organ?

Felafel: Two of the same organ on each gender. That is, two convexities on the male, two concavities on the female. Do I have to draw a picture?

God: Please don't. That design won't work. It would make things twice as chaotic as they are now. No, Afterman and Afterwoman will continue to have one sex organ each, and we'll reduce their sex drive so that the planet won't be so packed with Afterhumans that they'll be falling off into space. They'll have sex maybe twice, just to produce children, and after that they'll stop. We'll devise a procedure whereby they can put their sex organs in mothballs and hang them out to dry once they've had all the children they want.

Felafel: It's going to be a brave new world, all right. The Calvinists and the Puritans and the Taleban will be really happy.

God: Afterman won't have to shave, either. We're going to eliminate the beard gene. He'll be smooth-faced from womb to tomb. Think of all the time he'll save, not having to shave every day! Think of all the money he'll save on razor blades and shaving cream! We'll also do something about his legs.

Felafel: His legs?

God: Yes. His and Afterwoman's both. Ever notice how thin and spindly human legs are? When humans get old, they're always falling down and breaking their legs and having to have knee replacements. The legs are the weakest part of the human body, and we're going to fix that.

Felafel: Er, how?

God: Think about it. Which creature in the animal kingdom has the strongest, the thickest and the sturdiest legs?

Felafel: Hmmmm. I suppose the elephant.

God: Exactly. So we're going to give Afterhumans the legs of elephants. No more sprained ankles and fractured shinbones and worn-out knees. Afterman will have legs that will last him forever, just like the elephant.

Felafel: How's he going to cut his toenails?

God: With hedge-clippers.

Felafel: You going to give him tusks, too?

God: Don't be sarcastic. With this new design, we'll have a new, improved, super-streamlined human that'll make the current model look like a gorilla. I want you to get to work ironing out the details right away. Can you handle that?

Felafel: I'll do my best.