Obama's greatest challenge

(Scene: The Oval Office, 2011. President Obama has summoned Rocco and Igor, the most ruthless covert operatives from the Really, Really Secret Service, for a hush-hush assignment.)

Obama: Guys, my older daughter Malia has a 13-year-old classmate named Tommy. He's asked her for a date - wants to take her to a movie. Of course, it'll be in the White House private theatre, hence under maximum security and continual surveillance. But I want you to grill this little deviant and find out what his intentions are toward my daughter.

Rocco: Yes, sir. May we waterboard, sir?

Obama: Negative. There is to be no physical evidence of your ministrations. I want you to vet the movie, too. Make sure it's a Walt Disney classic - "Snow White", "Sleeping Beauty", "Dumbo", or the like. None of this "Friday The Thirteenth" or "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" stuff.

Igor: "Bambi" okay, sir?

Obama: "Bambi" will be fine. Oh, and guys, off the record…

Rocco: Yes, sir?

Obama: On this one you can ignore the Geneva Convention.

(Scene: In a top-secret location, a long-neglected torture chamber formerly nicknamed the Cheney-Rumsfeld Nutcracker Suite. Chains and manacles adorn the walls; old bloodstains mar the floor. A searchlight blazes into the eyes of a frightened 13-year-old boy, who is wired to electrodes and strapped into an electric chair. From behind a one-way glass wall, their voices electronically muffled and distorted, Rocco and Igor begin their work.)

Rocco: Do not be afraid. If you answer our questions truthfully and completely, you will not be harmed … much.

Tommy (sobbing in terror): I want to go home! I want my mother!

Igor: Emotional outbursts will get you nowhere. Tell us what your intentions are toward the First Daughter.

Tommy (his voice cracking): I don't have any intentions! I just want to see a movie with her.

Rocco: Do not lie to us! WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS TOWARD THE FIRST DAUGHTER?

Tommy: Just to see a movie! Honest!

Rocco: Give the filthy pervert a few volts, Attila.

Igor: I hear you, Genghis. (Pulls a lever. Tommy receives a mild electric shock.)

Tommy: Waaaahhh! (Sobbing hysterically.) Just the movie! Just the movie! I swear it!

Rocco: We have more powerful implements of persuasion at our disposal. The lash, the rack, the iron maiden - even crucifixion is not beyond our means. TELL US YOUR INTENTIONS!

Tommy (hysterically): Okay, okay, I'll confess! (Blubbering.) I want to see a movie and - and maybe also eat some popcorn.

Igor: See, Genghis? I told you the little monster was hiding something. He wants to eat popcorn! Shall I zap him again? Maybe a quadruple jolt this time?

Rocco: This one is a hardened criminal, Attila. But a double jolt should suffice to break him. Or maybe we should start pulling out his fingernails.

Igor: You are too soft, Genghis. That's not enough for an animal like him. A maximum jolt of 10,000 volts ought to do the trick. Plus we should extract all his teeth and perhaps commence the skinning process.

Tommy (screaming): No! No! I just want to take her to a movie!

Rocco: Listen, punk! I note that you have many zits. We have a zit gouger that will leave craters the size of golf balls in your skin. Thus disfigured for life, you will never dare show your face on Leno or Letterman.

Tommy (wailing): I've told you everything! I swear!

Igor: I think the crusher may bring him around. You know, the machine that squeezes him like an orange till his eyeballs pop out.

Tommy: I want to go home! Please let me go home! I swear I'll never try to date anybody ever again! No more movies! No more popcorn!

Rocco: Don't try to trick us, vermin scum! We know you'll go to Bob Woodward and Thomas L Friedman and tell them everything we've done to you.

Tommy: I won't! I swear I won't!

Igor: I know his type, Genghis. The slimy little rodent will go straight to Fox News. Maybe even to Rush Limbaugh.

Tommy: No! No! I swear! My lips are sealed! Scout's honour!

Rocco: Ooooo! Did you hear that, Attila? He has sworn the unbreakable oath. All right, perv, we'll send you home. But if you ever dare to breathe a word of this to anybody, or even mention the word "movie" to the First Daughter again, we'll track you down and exterminate you like the cockroach you are.

Tommy: I promise! I swear!

 (Scene: The Oval Office, later.)

Rocco: Mr President, the threat to your daughter has been neutralised.

Obama: Excellent work, guys. This is change I can believe in. I hope you'll both still be working for us when Sasha comes of age.