Thaksin's swansong ... You heard it here first

Beeb… beeb… Test… test…

Dear People,

After my last phone-in, I got many calls from my fans to do it again. Some fans even sent me SMS messages saying "Thaksin Encore". A set of groupies called "Thaksin girls" sent me a videoclip set to the tune of Britney Spears's "Hit Me One More Time". And boy! Did I have to explain to Khunying Pojaman that I did not hold any other type of phone-in except the one at Rajamangala Stadium last month. Some said my message during the last phone-in sounded pretty lame. But you have to admit that my coarse voice could turn on thousands. I never thought that my fans would miss admiring my square face this month. So, yes, I decided to do it again.

Before I go on, I should assure the Democrat folks that I didn't have any malicious intentions against Abhisit Vejjajiva. I know that the Democrats have formed a coalition and Suthep Thaugsuban has said that he is worried my voice will arouse my supporters to a point where anything is possible.

In fact, all I want to say to Abhisit is that I am not the one who he should be worried about. As frank as Mr Frank, my nickname, can say to Abhisit, who is about to be anointed "Mr ObaMark", he'd better be careful with that pouty-lipped Newin Chidchob.

Even when I was his boss - I repeat, I was his boss before - I was never convinced about his sincerity. I was always suspicious about his main contradiction - a Khmer speaker with a Burmese name. Perhaps, it was Newin's destiny to always be subject to suspicion.

I was stunned when I saw Abhisit hugging Newin. Can't help but wonder if one of them was trying to hide a knife. But it didn't seem to matter because the public seems to readily believe that these two former political foes have become friends for life.

Perception matters in politics. Democrats were good at protecting their image. Plus, Newin might think that his sweet words could whitewash his image in the prospective Democrat-led coalition. Abhisit and Newin have agreed to leave their bitter past behind. Even their argument about who is more handsome. When Papa Chai stepped in to defend his "handsome" lad, the House turned into a fish market. Meow meow. Finally, Chai had to call a truce by announcing that they both possessed movie-star looks. Following the recent hugs between the two men, Chai declared it was true love.

Still, I advised Abhisit to beware - there are no permanent friends in politics. Look what happened to me. The only call I received from Newin recently was to say, "Sorry, boss. It's over." If I let Newin continue, he might have borrowed that famous line from the "Godfather" trilogy: "It's nothing personal. It's just business."

Nonetheless, I have never ever doubted my old guard. Veera Musigapong, my wingman, still hopes that my phone-in would persuade MPs defecting from the now-disbanded People Power Party to return to support a Pheu Thai coalition. My other wingman, Nattawut Saikua, still religiously believes that I could turn things around by my long-distance call. My sympathy also goes to Pracharaj Party leader Snoh Thienthong, who got stood up by fellow politicians a few days ago. Snoh should have included slippery eel in the dinner menu that day.

I want to tell the Thai courts that they got a wrong idea about me being a corrupt politician. I simply committed an honest mistake by forgetting about the shares, evading tax and asking the authorities to sell the Ratchadaphisek land plot to my former wife at a cheap price.

In fact, I am washing my bank notes right now to prove that all my cash is as clean as the detergent. I have no "dirty money" that my opponents liked to use to oust me.

Finally, I want to prove how much I love Thailand. I would never intend to destroy its reputation by portraying myself as an indefensible political victim.

Of course, some people are not happy to read that Thailand is a #$@@!! scary nation. But it's not my fault. My people might have been drunk when they ranted to some farangs that everything in Thailand, except me, was so lame. And - to their amazement - these farangs easily bought it. I never thought they would fall for that so readily.

Zzzzz… signal interrupted…

Hello... can you hear me. Man… I have to say this mobile network is getting worse after I sold it.