Straight-shootin' Sarah sounds off at cynical sceptics

Tsow: Governor Palin, you winked a lot during the debate. Why was that?

Palin: Well, you see, Ess, I got a speck of dust lodged under my contact lens, and I was trying to blink it out.

Tsow: But you wear glasses. You wear contact lenses, too?

Palin: Darned right. I don't really need the glasses, but they make me look scholarly. If I didn't wear them, people might think I was some kind of bimbo.

Tsow: I see. Now, you dodged several questions during the debate and launched into what sounded like canned speeches on your favourite topics. A lot of people didn't like that.

Palin: Well, shoot me a moose, Ess, I'm the candidate. A strong candidate doesn't let the media push 'em around. The good moms and pops of Main Street don't care about the tricky questions the big-city media asks, which are designed to set me up and make me look stupid. They want me to talk straight about the things they care about. And by golly, that's just what I'm gonna do. I'm a straight-shootin' gal, straight as the runners on a dog-sled. You can call me Straight-Shootin' Sarah. That's why I talked about my energy policy when they asked me about taxes. Nobody wants to hear about taxes. I mean, taxes are boring. But energy is exciting, and as governor of the oil-rich state of Alaska, I can tell you that to get that energy we're going to drill, baby, drill. We're gonna drill holes in Alaska till the earth howls. There won't be a drop of oil left when we're finished with that sucker, and if aliens look down from their flying saucers they're gonna think Alaska is one great big piece of Swiss cheese.

Tsow: Such straight talk is refreshing.

Palin: You betcha. We're gonna rape Alaska silly to get that oil. Of course, we'll also develop other sources of energy, like wind and water and solar - that solar thing, panels and all - and the thermonucular stuff. I mean, gee whiz, Ess, we don't want the American people to become slaves of those foreign oil sheeks.

Tsow: Admirably put. Now, when you were asked about Senator McCain's claim that the fundamentals of the US economy are sound, you dodged the question by saying he was talking about the American workforce. The workforce isn't a fundamental of the economy.

Palin: Sure it is. Gosh all hemlock, Ess, our wonderful American workforce is the backbone of our economy. We've got the most admirable and hard-working workforce in the world, all those fantastic working people working their butts off.

Tsow: You think Americans work hard?

Palin: You're darned tootin' I do! We're the hardest- working people in the world!

Tsow: You ever watch the Chinese work? Or the Koreans? Or the Japanese?

Palin: Well, now, there you go. All you big-shot media smartypantses think you know everything. You just come up to Wasilla and see our brave American workforce knocking themselves out working to preserve liberty, and democracy, and freedom, and American values, and the American Way of Life, and lower taxes, and the right to drill for oil until the planet screams.

Tsow: I don't think you can say "smartypantses," Governor. You can talk about one smartypants, but if you make it plural it sounds funny.

Palin: See, there you go! You can't rebuke me on the issues, so you go after the way I talk.

Tsow: Don't you mean "refute"?

Palin: See? There you go again! Change the subject, make fun of the way I talk. Listen, mister, there are millions of good, upright, God-fearing Americans that talk just like I do, and they don't like your snobby attitude.

Tsow: I'm just trying to put in a few feeble words in defence of coherent English. Okay, let's go back to the issues. The Bush administration got us into a quagmire in Iraq and has run the economy into the ground. What are you—

Palin: Now you're playing the blame game! Get out of the past, Ess! Stop looking backward! Don't be so negative! The past is finished. Let's move on, get on with our lives, look to the future.

Tsow: Okay. What are you and Senator McCain going to do about Iraq and the economy?

Palin: We're not tied to past policies on Eye-raq. Admittedly, a few mistakes were made. You can't skin a caribou with a nail file. But we're not gonna look back, we're gonna look forward. Like, we're looking forward to nuking Eye-ran, take out that scruffy Ahmad guy - Jinny-dad or whatever - or at least make him get a shave. Try to be a little positive, Ess. Gee, you are such a negative guy! John McCain and I are both mavericks - and mavericks will find a way.

Tsow: It's funny that two people who are such mavericks should subject themselves to the humiliation of being coached and prepped and programmed and recalibrated by the Karl Rove shark machine. When you gave your set-piece speeches during the debate, there were times when you were all glassy-eyed and robotic. 

Palin: Well, that's just not true, Ess. Gosh darn it, I studied hard for that debate. For you to implicate that I was programmed, recalculated, all that stuff - that's really cruel. You are SO negative! I'm not one of your slick Washington insiders. I'm an average hard-working wife and mother, a hockey mom, and I'm speaking for all the other hockey moms in this great country we live in. And the soccer moms and the baseball moms and the basketball moms and the volleyball moms and the tennis moms and the ping-pong moms.

Tsow: I hope that includes all the golf dads and the Superbowl dads and the poker dads and the beer dads.

Palin: Them too. I want them to see that I'm just like them. I want to show the world that an average hockey mom can be just as good a vice president as anybody else.

Tsow: Governor, I don't want an average person as president OR vice president. I don't want somebody like me in the White House. I want somebody who is better than me. Somebody who is smart. Somebody who can get us out of the mess we're in. One big lesson we've learned from George W Bush is that we should never vote for somebody with a C average. And John McCain boasts about graduating fifth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis.

Palin: Well, gee whillikers, Ess, the C-average people are the backbone of the nation. The people who graduated at the bottom of their class, too. They're the people who have made our great country what it is. Don't look down on them, and don't tell me I'm dumb. Why, Todd - that's my husband, he's a snowmobile-racing champion - says I'm the smartest gal he knows. And he is really looking forward to being First Dude.

Tsow: Wouldn't that be Second Dude? I believe John McCain would be First Dude.

Palin: There you go again, always picking at words.