Forget PAD and Samak -- let's prepare for the real doomsday

Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I'm not going to talk about the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD), the People Power Party or the Democratic Alliance Against Dictatorship (DAAD). Well, it's not a matter of life and death anymore. Let's talk about something bigger - the Big Bang theory!!!

I'm no scientist, and although I consider myself a science type of person, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a bit too complicated for me; the closest I got to understanding it was through reading Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons".

They won't tell you this in physics class, but we're running out of time now as the Big Bang theory is going to be tested this coming Wednesday outside Geneva, Switzerland.

Yes, we all have the right to be sceptical about the results of experiments involving the LHC. It's a fact of life that not all events in this world are certain and predictable. Think about how Fulham beat Arsenal 1-0 or how England failed to qualify in the recent Euro championship. Talk about uncertainty, who would think a Thai prime minister would end up working from home while squatters occupied his office?

So nothing is impossible. An article in the Sunday Telegraph quoted a scientist who said: "The Large Hadron Collider will not be producing anything that does not happen routinely in nature due to cosmic rays. If they were dangerous we would know about it already."

But then The Mail on September 1 amplifies fears by reporting on those who believe that the upcoming experiment "will create a black hole that could swallow the planet".

But ... what if they are correct on this one?

Come to think of it, things couldn't get any worse for the Thai people. We shall see in four days if the LHC creates a black hole that sucks up the Earth and all of us along with it. But so what? Our minds and spirits have already been torn apart thanks to the political crisis. Maybe the situation is already as bad as one of those black holes.

Everything has a bright side though, and if we all only have four days left to live, we might as well celebrate the joys of life. Here are some suggestions on how to spend your remaining time:

Politically neutral people: Say goodbye to politics. Just switch off and pay no attention to political news. Get a life!

PAD supporters: As politics are now irrelevant, just go home and enjoy clean rest rooms.

PAD leaders: The decision to give your most recent push the title of "Last Crusade" was more appropriate than you could have imagined.

PAD as a group: Even if you end up losing your last battle, you won't really end up losing anything. You'll feel the world is doomed only a few days before others arrive at the same conclusion.

DAAD supporters: Go home and enjoy your family. Uncle Mak will be all right.

Samak Sundaravej: Stay on and you will go down in history as the last prime minister of Thailand.

The good news is that the mob will disappear into the black hole, but the bad news is that the historical record will go right along with them!

Cabinet members: Please refer to the advice to Samak.

Thaksin Shinawatra: Come back and spend a few days in jail if you really meant it when you said you wanted to die here.

Debtors: Try "debt disobedience". I read somewhere of how one boy had already stopped paying his credit-card bills.

Weight-watchers: Now is the time to go ahead and eat 99 pizzas, all of the chocolates you can find and lots of ice-cream.

Couch potatoes: Run to your cabinet and finally finish watching all the DVDs you've compiled.

Gamers: Don't hesitate for a second: go ahead and buy an X-Box, a Nintendo Wii or a PlayStation and enjoy rocking out to the latest version of Guitar Hero.

Holiday-makers: Explore Thailand's famous beaches.

Thailand's Olympic heroes and heroines: Spend every hard-earned baht you've got.

Single women: Sign up for a speed-dating service and meet some handsome men.

Single men: If you are really single, you'll already know what to do.

Bloggers: Create a special section, "Countdown to doom", on your blog.

YouTubers: Upload all your videos before it's too late.

Me: Frankly speaking I'm excited and think it'll be safe, but just in case, I'm going to ask my boss for three days holiday starting on Monday.

From the bottom of my heart, don't fear. Death is the ultimate and truest form of democracy. In the end, election rights, the right to choose etc, they're all bull, because real equality is to be found in our inability to escape death. Life would be nothing if we were all immortal, and that is what's so special about our lives.