You've got to pick a pocket or two, or ... a croissant too far

He wouldn't get far advertising toothpaste. He has so much on his tongue; his mind can't keep up. What he basically told the nation on his radio show last week was: "Just reaching four months without imploding is a remarkable achievement for us", getting his excuses in early, while still arguing his government's "policies" are good for the country in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and then rubbing the paddles of the governmental defibrillator together and shouting "CLEAR!" before applying them to Thailand's chest of woes.

Forty-odd governments since 1945 doesn't sound like a habit. It sounds like an addiction. Democracy may have arrived, but it certainly hasn't settled.

Democracy Thai-style may be many things, but it is not relaxing. We are politically adrift and economically on probation.

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I wonder just how many people secretly thought those court officials had missed a great opportunity when offered Bt2 billion inside a croissant. Bet there were a few who yelled out "Idiots! Take the money and run!"

Or perhaps the officials were "utterly shocked" because it simply wasn't enough. "Bt2 million? For a judge? You're joking, right? You couldn't buy a police checkpoint in Tak for that."

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The trouble with corruption is that it makes everyone else look stupid for obeying the rules. As though breaking the law was a choice. There are plenty of laws here, just very few rules. We are plagued by the usual bullying political approach that amounts to blackmail: "Give me what I want or I will continue to behave badly and to hold you responsible for the ill effects of my own behaviour." It's a bit like declaring yourself peace-loving and then adding: "I will hit the man who says I'm not."

And yet people get more worked up about values than anything else, although the response to any scandal by those in power borders on the hysterical: someone is always flouncing off in a queeny huff. The papers are full of anti-corruption drives promised by men so tempered in graft they don't know the difference between hard cash and real justice. All those politicians saying corruption is bad would appear to be the principal evidence of it. But then despising corrupt politicians is enormous fun. They are our communal dartboard: skewering them gives people a chance to reaffirm who they are. In fact, we've almost reached a stage where we have come to accept the reality that many of those in power are corrupt. What really annoys us is that they deny it. That's a croissant too far.

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Overheard:

Just imagine, if the coalition had one more party they could be called the Insignificant Seven.

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The legal system is pure theatre. Whenever a judge asks a politician for some important missing papers, the politician holds an onion under his eyes and claims his dog ate the files. And when, and if, a case ever comes to the court, illness is a sure sign of guilt, and rank is a sure sign of getting off lightly. "Although the doctor beat his wife senseless with a nine-iron golf club, he should be released due to his expensive education and high standing in the community. We suggest 30 minutes of community service suspended for a decade, m'lud."

It would be wonderful if a judge shot back: "If he was that educated, he should have known better. Lock him up now."

But as we know, it's never a case of what you might have done wrong; it's always a case of who you are, even if you did do it. Image and dignity are more important than anything - whether or not you earned either.

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It seems the entire country is heading to the capital to complain about something but will be prevented from entering the city by the striking truck-drivers who got here first.

If it was a World Poverty Summit, they would be welcomed with open arms, as participants would have emptied the whole city of lobster and champagne; but for the rural protesters it will be grasshopper fondue washed down with an unpretentious but amusing glass of water.

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Received this e-mail.

I am underwhelmed by the report that politicians think that six million poor Thais are unable to cope.

You should hear what the poor Thais think of the politicians.

Overheard:

Do you think we'll ever see the day when a politician who was caught with his morals down will say "the bastards got me" as he is hauled off to the clanger followed by a troupe of supporters clutching flowers?

Nope. But it's an appealing notion.

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To discourage visitors while he was writing, Earnest Hemingway hired an aged negro who appeared to be the victim of an odd disease resembling leprosy. He met prospective visitors at the gate and said: "I's Mr Hemingway, and I's crazy about you."