• 
• 

Published on January 25, 2008

I believe we have a problem in communication here. Part of it is because Americans tend to see the world in terms of baseball and (American) football.

Consider this imaginary dialogue between an American senator and an average Iraqi:

Senator: You know, we've been real good to you folks. We've liberated you from a despicable tyrant, given you a democratic government, and expended massive amounts of blood and treasure trying to get your government to function effectively. Yet you've failed to establish security and fight the insurgency. Why won't you step up to the plate?

Iraqi: The what?

The plate, the plate. Why won't you step up to the plate?

The plate? You mean there's a plate on the floor? And you want us to step up to it? And eat off the plate like a dog? Are you trying to insult us?

No, no, I'm using a baseball image. It means to step up to home plate and hit the ball.

We don't play baseball, sir. And what does hitting a ball have to do with this war?

Um. Okay, well, let me put it another way. We want your government to pick up the ball and run with it.

Is this a baseball you're talking about?

No, I'm talking about a football now.

A football! But, sir, you're not supposed to pick up a football and run with it. That's against the rules. You're supposed to kick it.

Good grief, this gets worse and worse. I'm not talking about soccer. I'm talking about American football.

We don't play American football, sir.

What I'm trying to say is, we want you to get on the ball.

Is this an American football you want us to climb on top of? Or a baseball?

No! No! I'm not talking about climbing on top of a ball!

Then why do you want us to get on one?

Damn! How do I communicate with you people? Okay, let me try again. We've set up benchmarks for your government to achieve, and you haven't met any of them.

Benchmarks? What are those? I know what a bench is, and I know what a mark is. You put a mark on a bench. Fine, I understand that. But why? What is the significance of the mark?

A benchmark is a criterion, a goal we've set. And you have to meet it by a certain deadline.

Errrrr….

Okay, don't tell me. You don't know what a deadline is.

Yes.

Yes? You DO know what a deadline is?

I mean yes, I don't know what a deadline is. What kind of line do you mean? A line drawn on the ground? A telephone line? And why should it be dead? Wouldn't a live one be better?

That's it, I give up, this is hopeless.

Sir, may I say something?

Sure. Say anything you want.

We didn't ask you to invade our country. We didn't ask you to impose a democratic government on us. We didn't have an insurgency till you came along. And now that you've destroyed our country and stirred up an insurgency, you expect us to take over from you and fight the insurgents. Your language has an idiom for this that I understand very well. You're passing the buck, the same way you did in Vietnam. And just as you did in Vietnam, soon you will abandon us to the wolves.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

We want a strong man to govern us. But a nice one, not a nasty one like Saddam. So give us Arnold. Send him over here and make him governor until he can sort things out. And give us Chuck Norris to handle the military end. It may not be too late. If you'd sent Chuck and Arnold over to begin with, you wouldn't have this problem.

Hmmmm. I'll see what we can do.

S Tsow  

S Tsow can be flamed at stsow@yahoo.com, but not while he's trying to find out if Arabic has words for "benchmark" and "deadline".