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Published on January 11, 2008

Everybody wants to know what the new year will bring. Visiting Bangkok is a famous fortune teller, Prof Dr Aisee Yoo. An accredited seer, clairvoyant, prophet and shaman, master of yoga, chakric science, and astral healing, with a doctorate in paranormal psychic powers from Oxford University (hons, failed), Prof Dr Aisee is a Mahatmic Adept, a Possessor of the Third Eye, and the real McCoy. At least that's what his business card says. (It's a pretty big card.)

I interviewed him in the Shirley MacLaine Lounge at the Oriental Hotel:

Dr Aisee, welcome to Bangkok. Could you please give us your predictions for the coming year?

No I don't do years. I do decades. I can't be bothered about what's going to happen every little year.

Er, okay. Can you tell us what's going to happen during the next 10 years?

Well, there will be lots of natural disasters. Hurricanes, tornadoes, typhoons, cyclones, floods, drought, desertification, fires, earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions - we're going to get the lot.

Gosh. What should we do?

Hunker down. Now, regarding the Thai economy, I foresee a few minor glitches. The baht will achieve parity with the dollar …

What? Say again? The baht will …?

Achieve parity with the dollar. That is to say, one baht will equal one dollar. And not long after that, the dollar will achieve parity with the Laotian kip. Inflation will kick in, of course.

Also, the price of Mama instant noodles will go out of sight. But Mama's export market will soon dominate the world, because that's all anybody will be able to afford to eat. I'm talking about anybody, anywhere. If you want to buy stocks, buy Mama.

What about the price of oil?

Well, barring intervening factors, that will soar to US$20,000 a barrel. We're talking about a practically worthless dollar, of course. In fact, the dollar will become obsolete as an international currency.

What will be the new currency of choice?

There won't be one. All transactions will be conducted in oil. People will keep barrels of oil in their homes and take it out in different containers whenever they go shopping. A sachet of Mama noodles will cost one cup of oil. A new Toyota - well, nobody will be buying Toyotas because nobody will be able to afford the petrol - will cost, say, 15,000 barrels of oil.

Things will get pretty messy if people have to carry all that oil around with them.

Yes, they'll be carrying it in barrels, jugs, bottles, jars and plastic bags.

Wouldn't it make more sense to use oil shares as currency, instead of actual oil?

No, it would be too easy to forge them. You can't forge oil. Criminals will dilute it, though, and that will be a problem.

What about international politics?

Donald Trump will become president of the United States. He'll do a good job, though. If anybody gets out of line, he'll just fire them. He'll organise millionaires into a new political party, the Plutocrat Party. He'll buy off all the terrorists. It's hard to be a terrorist when you're sitting by the swimming pool in a villa on the Riviera with all those supermodels.

What about the poor?

Oh, they'll become extinct. Good thing, too. Oh, another thing: most vowels will also become extinct. Text messaging will produce a new spelling system in which all non-essential vowels will disappear. So will capital letters. wll gt sntncs lk ths. nglsh tchrs wnt lk it, bt 2 bd 4 thm.

One final question, sir. Could I—would you mind showing me your third eye?

No, why do you want to see it?

I've never seen a third eye before.

Well, it looks just like any other eye. But right now it's sleeping in my pocket, and you can't see it.

Thank you for your insights, sir.

You're welcome. Have fun with all those natural disasters and the one-baht dollar. Eat lots of Mama and boost the national GNP. Be sure to support President Trump. dnt wrry, b hppy. And now it's back to the Himalayas to do some serious mahatma-ing. Shazam! I mean, shzm! (Disappears in a puff of smoke.) 

S Tsow  

S Tsow can be flamed at stsow@yahoo.com, except when he's wondering how a Mahatmic Adept can possibly perform his mahatmic duties with his Third Eye in his pocket.