Thai lite

Pulished on December 7, 2007

Everybody's wondering what sort of government the December 23 election will bring. I decided to find out the Thai way, the scientific way. I went to a fortune-teller. Madame Crystal Balle is a famous Austrian clairvoyant who is currently visiting Bangkok. She extorted a stiff fee for the following interview.

Madame Balle, what will the next government be like? Can you give us any insights?

Yes, of course. I am a fortune teller, after all. But the future is not cast in stone. It is determined by the Fates, who are notoriously fickle. I cannot tell you exactly what the next government will be like, but I can spell out several possible scenarios which the Fates are presently considering.

Please do.

Scenario 1 is fairly plausible. The Democrats will win, but with an insufficient majority to form a government. Abhisit will become prime minister, but he will have to form a coalition with other parties.

That used to be the conventional wisdom. But what about Samak and the People's Power Party?

In Scenario 2, the PPP will gain a majority, and Samak will become prime minister. But he too will have to form a coalition. One of the Fates, who fancies herself a wit, wants an alliance between Samak and Abhisit which will be called the "Beauty and the Beast" government.

That's cruel.

Politics is not a dinner party, my boy, and the Fates can indeed be cruel. Now, as we know, new political parties are always being formed in Thailand. They are always based on noble ideals like opportunism, greed, and lust for power. So Scenario 3 holds that a new party will come to the fore with a jaw-breaking name. Not being Thai, I cannot pronounce it. But I can give you an English translation.

What is it?

It translates as the "Uplift the Thai People and Make Them All Rich and Happy" party. Call it the Uplift Party for short. Comedians will call it the Bra Party, because uplifting is what a bra does.

What will the Bra Party do if it comes to power?

The Fates aren't talking about that. But Chalerm Yoobamrung will become prime minister, with his sons Wan and Duang as his deputies.

That's exciting. It will be good to have new blood like Wan and Duang in the government, and the guiding hand of their wise father will act as a corrective to any mistakes they might make.

Yes. This will be an ideal fusion of mature experience and youthful dynamism.

What improvements may we expect from such a promising "Old-New" government?

As before, the Fates aren't saying. But I think we may logically expect a loosening of restrictions on the nightlife scene. Certain laws, and their enforcement, may also be expected to become less stringent. This of course is mere speculation on my part.

Of course. Are there other scenarios?

Oh, yes. That's only Scenario 3. Scenario 4 has erstwhile massage-parlour kingpin Chuwit Kamolvisit coming to power as the head of a new party.

Wow, that's stunning. What's the name of his party?

It translates as the "Heaven on Earth" party. Certain crude jokesters will call it the "Rub-a-dub-dub" party. But they will swiftly be crushed by massive lawsuits.

Any input as to what the "Heaven on Earth" party will do?

No, the Fates aren't saying. But I think we may safely infer that there will be a resurgence - a blossoming, if you will - of massage parlours throughout the land.

That will certainly help to reduce the stress level of the population. Is there a Scenario 5?

There is, but it is so dreadful I hesitate to mention it. One of the more malicious Fates has proposed it, but the rest will certainly veto it.

What is it, for heaven's sake?

Scenario 5 is an election whose outcome is so murky that a government cannot be formed. After much wrangling, the government will be outsourced to the Burmese junta.

Good heavens!

As I said, that's not going to happen. But it should make the Thai people think. No matter how bad a government they may get from this election, things could be worse.

Well, thank you for your insights, Madame Balle. Let's hope the Thai people vote wisely. And let's pray for a favourable outcome.

S Tsow

S Tsow can be flamed at stsow@yahoo.com, but not while he's praying for a favourable outcome.