Thai Lite

Published on November 23, 2007

I have just returned from a brief visit to the Philippines, which is the only country in the world where nobody misspells "Philippines." I've seen it misspelled "Phillipines" so many times that every time I see it spelled correctly, I think it's wrong.

As a first-time visitor, I was eager to acquire insight into the Filipino soul. I have always believed that a sure-fire way to understand the soul of any people is to read their airline's in-flight magazine. And lo, there it was, right in the Cebu Pacific Airlines in-flight magazine: an advertisement for Gore-Tex nose implants.

The idea of implanting Gore-Tex to attain a nobler nose was new to me. I have a sturdy winter parka made of Gore-Tex, which is a tough fabric that repels rain, wind, and snow. I couldn't imagine why anybody in his right mind would want this stuff inside his nose. Maybe it gives you a waterproof nose.

Troubled by this mystery, I had to concede that understanding the Filipino soul would require a lot more effort than reading their in-flight magazine.

First impressions can be deceiving, but I soon got the feeling that the Thais and the Filipinos have much in common. Both are happy and smiling people, warm and friendly, with a great affinity for art and music.

One area in which they differ is that Thais are mostly Buddhists, whereas the Filipinos are Catholics. While rolling through the Filipino countryside, I was shocked to see no Thai temples rising from the rice paddies. A rice paddy without a temple somewhere on the horizon is hardly a rice paddy at all, in my opinion; and for me, the beauty of the Filipino countryside was impoverished accordingly.

It was also a shock to see no monks making their alms rounds in the morning. I call on the Filipino authorities to get cracking and put some monks out on the sidewalks to give the mornings some colour.

There are no noodle stands or sidewalk vendors, either - just wandering touts selling Viagra. Just about everywhere I went, I was approached by touts offering Viagra and Cialis. I found this mildly insulting, and pined for the colourful streets of Thailand, lined by friendly vendors and noodle stands.

No temples, no monks, no vendors, no noodle stands! I began to succumb to a feeling of sensory deprivation. There is also a dearth of shopping malls. No doubt there are malls in Manila, but I wasn't there long and didn't see any; and outside Manila I saw only one. There are plenty of 7-Elevens, but no Big C, no Tesco-Lotus, no Philippine Paragon, none of the icons of Oriental culture that flourish in Thailand. The Philippines looks like a golden opportunity for Thai entrepreneurs who build shopping malls. The Filipinos may be able to survive without temples, monks, vendors, or noodle stands; but a paucity of shopping malls is a hardship that no civilised people should be forced to endure.

One Filipino cultural icon that deserves mention is the vehicle known as a trike. It's a Filipino version of the tuk-tuk, but with significant shortcomings.

The trike is a motorcycle with an attached sidecar. But it was designed by sadists, because there's a roof over the sidecar. In fact, the sidecar is an egg-shaped metal bubble with an open doorway - sort of an iron maiden on wheels.

To get into it, you have to squeeze through the doorway and fall inside. If you're fat, like me, they practically have to pry you into it with a shoehorn. I could hear my bones breaking and my tendons snapping every time I struggled to get in or out.

Another cultural icon that deserves mention is the toilet-paper twist. Whenever a waitress pops the cap off a bottle of beer, she ties a twist of toilet paper over the opening before presenting it to you.

I could never fathom the reason for this innovation.  Is she afraid that bugs will get into the beer? Not likely, since hardly three seconds will pass before the thirsty imbiber starts quaffing it. You have a choice between removing the twist before drinking or filtering your beer through several layers of toilet paper.

Like the Gore-Tex nose implant, the toilet-paper twist remains an enduring mystery of this exotic land. If ever I feel the need for either, like General MacArthur, I shall return.

S Tsow  

S Tsow can be flamed at stsow@yahoo.com, except when he's trying to figure out the purpose of the toilet-paper twist.