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Published on November 3, 2007

 I don't even trust myself to give an opinion when friends wants to know if Samak Sundaravej, Abhisit Vejjajiva or Banharn Silapa-archa will become the next prime minister. A more complicated question is whether, after the election, Thailand will be able to start anew and make progress with the return to the dreamland of democracy. The latter question renders me speechless.

But still the friends come. I like it though when they ask questions because it gives me a chance to exercise my brain. It also motivates me to listen carefully in editorial meetings and when any new political information reaches the newsroom. From what I've gathered so far, sadly it seems like one soap opera I follow - after 10 episodes there hasn't been much development in the characters or plot.

But not to disappoint my friends, I've made a list - in the fashion of Martha Stewart's "things everyone should know" - of what you should learn before casting your ballot on December 23.

1 The famous quote by Mark Hanna is not only memorable but also highly applicable: "There are two things that are important in politics. The first is money, and I can't remember what the second one is." If you end up finding my list is nonsense, just come back and read this quote.

2 Remember the two political equations: "Vote for Samak = vote for Thaksin", and "Vote for Chalerm = support Chalerm and his nice boys Duang and Wan Yoobamrung". Need I say more?

3 A more complicated equation: Thai Rak Thai + Thaksin = Populist Policy; Thai Rak Thai = Populist Policy - Thaksin; Populist Policy - Thaksin = PPP. Therefore PPP = Thai Rak Thai.

4 The meaning of "surprise" in politics doesn't match the definition  in a dictionary. Ask yourself if it was a surprise that Korn Dabaransi joined Chat Thai? Or was it shocking when Sanan Kajornprasart revealed that Banharn was No 1 in his heart? And would you describe it as a "surprise" when two elderly men are seen pecking and hugging each like nobody's business before the press? In short, there is no such thing as a surprise really. Perhaps Thaksin will come back and appear on a PPP stage before the election. Well, let me think.... 

5 Politicians are not mathematicians. So when they reveal the expected number of House seats they'll win, this has nothing to do with maths. If you don't believe me, try combining the numbers predicted by the PPP, Democrats, Motherland and Chat Thai parties and see if you get the same result as mine: a mammoth-sized House.

6 As in soap operas, you need not find meaning in every political act. When Korn decided to join Banharn's Chat Thai Party, he did it consciously, even though he earlier predicted that PPP would sweep the election. Does this show his readiness to become part of the opposition together with the Democrats? And when Chuwit Kamolvisit met with Snoh Thienthong for lunch and made headlines, it simply meant they happened to be hungry at the same time - as simple as that.

7 There won't be right or left in this election. If you have any doubts, go ask Samak, because he has belonged to both.

8 Every politician is patriotic and they are all offering themselves selflessly as the country's saviour. Somsak says: "What excuses would I have if I don't pay back my homeland?" Similar lines are heard from Sanoh, Banharn and all prominent politicians. Don't ask me who is more patriotic. If you are not convinced, please refer to No 1 above.

9 The result of voting with your heart is a heartbroken voter.

10 What if one minute a politician joins one party and the next he/she is running under another banner? Then it's time you didn't bother. Instead, take your own sweet time indulging in juicy stories of celebrity love triangles. You should know the absolute choices on November 7, when the freedom of movement of politicians ends.

See, now you know the reason why my friends shouldn't ask me for political advice. My vision is more blurred than they could ever have imagined. But if Thai politics is in a better state than I am ... well, I wouldn't bet on that.

 Veena Thoopkrajae

The Nation