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Published on October 24, 2007

As for the others who merely chuckled and correctly predicted the next day's headline - "Party merger suspended" - the following pre-election political glossary may be of little use.

A few more words to the first group: I really didn't mean this as an insult. To make you feel better, I have also been there before.

Party merger: This refers to the most popular political idea with the least successful record. Whoever believes "merger" is an effective strategy to win political power confuses the term with "takeover" or "acquisition", which happened frequently during Thaksin Shinawatra's era.

You would imagine that party leaders must meet five times at a safe house and then take a blood oath before merger news is leaked to the media. But here the leaders' exchanged jokes at a dinner party or the pipe dream of a politician sharing a boring Sunday afternoon with reporters was all it took.

In the recent past, merger speculation has been denied or has faded away within four days. As we are in the digital age, the denial sometimes comes before the merger rumour itself.

Crackdown on vote-buying: The simplest translation of this term is "Something that's never going to happen". Why? Because vote-buyers are all protected by supernatural powers. (How else can we rationalise the fact that millions of voters have been taking bribes every two years or so, but none of those who bribe them have ever been tried, let alone punished?)

Electoral crimes: You will hear a lot of accusations being traded - from switching of ballot boxes to "ghosts" interfering with household registration data, to generous offers to buy ID cards - but as far as arrests, prosecutions and legal punishments go, defendants will be mostly old folks who have shouted anti-government abuse in front of voting booths.

"Our country has been through enough": If every politician were charged Bt100 every time he uttered this touching statement, we would have a very enviable national reserve. What does it really mean? Nothing.

Bt1.5-million campaign spending ceiling (per candidate): A legal measure written by idealists but to be enforced by idiots.

I'm no genius myself, but here's my humble suggestion for successful implementation of campaign budget limits: freeze all candidates' assets as well as those of whoever deemed them fit or gave them food, travel or accommodation coupons. Hand each of the candidates casino-style chips worth Bt1.5 million (I'd say give them Bt3 million) and enact a law to legitimise their worth as cash in campaign activities.

It won't work 100 per cent but surely our country would be a better place. Too extreme a measure? Comparing it with a coup every three years, I don't think so.

Campaign spending: The most complex, highly technical of all electoral terms. Interpretation changes in accordance with "who" the spender is. Where your opponents are concerned, you may argue that giving Bt100 to a poster-maker's kid to buy candy should be counted as an election expense. In your own spending report, a Bt100,000 donation to a local temple won't be included because it's something purely personal and spiritual.

"I won't tolerate corruption": The favourite campaign pledge of all time will still be popular in the upcoming poll. What it really means is that they won't tolerate their opponents embezzling Bt1 million but will vigorously demand "evidence" if Bt1 billion changes hands in a murky transfer under their watch.

"It's a conspiracy against me": The best time to apply this is when Bt1 billion changes hands in a murky transfer under your watch, or when you are caught exceeding the Bt1.5-million campaign spending ceiling by a mere Bt20 million.

Political alliance: If you are forming it, it's because "Our country has been through enough". If your rivals are forming it, "It's a conspiracy against me".

The alternative: This word has a vague, all-encompassing definition, considering all kinds of alternative-wannabes out there at the moment. It can mean "shameful defector" when the likes of Snoh Thienthong or Suwat Liptapanlop are taken into account, or "elect-me-if-you-dare" financial loose cannons like Prachai Leophairatana.

The best part is, in Thai politics you can assert yourself as "the alternative" not once, not twice, but multiple times. Ask Chavalit Yongchaiyudh.

Mutant: Real meaning of "the alternative" in Thai politics. It can also be used to explain how everyone can go from "I won't tolerate corruption" because "Our country has been through enough" to "It's a conspiracy against me" in just a matter of days.

Tulsathit Taptim

The Nation