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Published on October 20, 2007

Living up to expectations

If anything was easy to leave in England when I came to settle in the Land of Smiles, it was living up to expectations. These demands had nothing to do with examination results or work performance - they were solely related to social pressures.

Granted, there are manners and etiquette all over the world, but it comes to something when I'm considered odd for turning down alcohol or downright miserable when refusing to dance at a party. And no matter how bored I became, the ultimate sin was leaving early from a social gathering.

At banquets and buffet parties, dinner with friends or drinks down the pub, a lively conversation was an essentiality and failure to indulge drew accusations of not having much to say for myself. And if I wasn't seen laughing at regular intervals, people might mutter, "What's the matter with him?"

Entertaining at home meant days of preparation to ensure that the house and its contents were bound to impress, followed by the fear and anxiety that everyone present would fail to be perpetually joking, laughing, and enjoying themselves.

Boozing, dancing, having a nice home and being the life and soul of the party were always expected of me, but there was nothing more daunting than the first date with a woman.

After worrying about what she might like to do and where to do it, the self-consciousness syndrome set in. While I was well experienced in trying to meet expectations, I had no idea what new ladies had in mind.

What one expects on a first date works both ways of course, but looking back, it seems unreasonable that I've been unceremoniously dumped for staining my tie, driving second-hand cars, dropping my H's, and sporting a festering zit on my nose.

The Thai difference

Great expectations are in grave danger of meeting with even bigger disappointments. How often have I heard that "we're going to have a wonderful time", which invariably ends with tears before bedtime?

English people seemed preoccupied in shaping their circumstances to fit their assumptions, so I was refreshed when discovering that most Thai folk accept things for what they really are.

At Thai social occasions it's excusable to turn up a little late and there's no need for excuses for leaving early. I have never felt obliged to eat and drink to excess or dance with anyone I didn't want to, and I've never been condemned for refusing to enter into lively conversation.

On entering my home, Thai guests tend to take me as they find me. They barely notice my possessions, and apart from offering a glass of water, there's no need to stand on any ceremony such as the guided tour of every room in the house.

Once, at a dinner party, I felt the embarrassment of yawning at the table, and even worse when my hosts brought out a mat and pillow for me to lie down on. But while I dozed on the floor with the party surrounding me, I realised that I was the only one there who was worried about living up to expectations.

Hopes and wishes

Hopes and wishes must not be confused with expectations - one might hope to win the lottery, but that shouldn't be expected to happen. When forming relationships with the opposite sex I have found that Thai women are full of hopes and wishes, while Western ladies hold expectations.

Like any female worldwide, Thai women are out to fulfil their ambitions, but they mould their strategy around situations as they occur instead of making direct demands. For example, my wife juggles with my moods and needs exactly as long as it takes to acquire what she wants from me - by then given willingly.

I have asked many Thais about expectations and the general consensus is they not only lead to disappointments, but also confrontation, which is against the Thai nature. It was put to me that while shoppers are expected to queue at the supermarket, it is better to let pushers-in get on with it than end up in a fight.

There is always the consolation of hoping that karma will place the perpetrator into a traffic jam on their way home.

On the other hand, no expectations can undoubtedly lead to the controversial philosophy of mai pen rai - it doesn't matter - which is often taken to extremes. While it is obviously better to avoid fights in the superstore, one would rather expect to arrive home safely than hope to.

It is reasonably argued that more expectations are necessary in Thailand, especially when it comes to some law enforcement and public safety. However, it would be dangerous for me if expectations were taken as far as those in England, because if they were, I would look for somewhere else to live.