Far and away

And hell does exist, says Chompunoot Tangthavorn. "Studying overseas is not as glamorous as people imagine," says the 21-year-old, who won a government scholarship to study international economic law in France.

"Many people told me it would be hard, but I thought since I was one of the top students in class and was selected to win the scholarship, it shouldn't be a problem. Also, I was so overwhelmed by the chance to study overseas that I hadn't thought about what could lie ahead of me."

Chompunoot completed Mathayom 6 at Triam Udom Suksa School with a GPA of 3.97, and received a seven-year scholarship to do her bachelor's and master's degrees. She had earlier travelled to New Zealand and Australia for summer school, staying for almost a month each time. She also went to Ireland for seven days when she won the top prize in The Nation's Junior IMPAC Dublin Literary Awards for Thailand.

Chompunoot left for France in July 2004, but returned only a month later. "I barely knew French when I left. And when I got to France, I realised I had only nine months to study for the DELF/DALF exam, which is the French equivalent of the English TOEFL proficiency test, to get into the university. It seemed impossible for me to do it and I started to panic." Chompunoot was given two years to study French and get into the university, and eight years in total to complete the degree programme.

"I had been wondering over and over whether I would make it. I saw a law textbook in French and it was so difficult. And there was one Thai student who was so good at studying - and in French - but still didn't pass the first year at the university. I was under a lot of pressure, because I thought people would see me as a loser if I returned home without the degree.

"But I know my limits." says Chompunoot. "When I study, I know if I'm going to make it. If not, I'll drop it. I knew myself best - and I knew I was not ready. If I took it further and didn't graduate, I would be a real loser."Chompunoot, who was then 19, called her family to tell them about her situation. But they didn't allow her to come back. She thought of committing suicide, and planned to write a letter explaining why she had decided to end it all.

"I thought it was the only way out of all my problems, and I hoped people who knew my story would benefit from my death.

"Most parents know how good their children are at studying, but never realise how hard and stressful it is, and have no idea how well their kids can cope with stress."

Luckily, Chompunoot never got the chance to kill herself. "Every time I thought about doing it, I got a phone call from my friend," she says.

Chompunoot passed out twice during her first two weeks in France, once on the street and once in her language class. She was taken to hospital the second time, but a French doctor found nothing wrong with her and let her leave the same day.

"I was so scared after I came back from the hospital. I was afraid of walking and refused to go out because I thought I might pass out again."

On one occasion the young woman locked herself in her room for three days and didn't go to language school at all. All she could do was ponder her future.

"I didn't feel like eating," she says.

Chompunoot's mother left Bangkok right after she heard that her elder daughter had been taken to hospital.

"My heart sank," explains the mother about hearing the news. "Nong Fon [Chompunoot's nickname] told me all her troubles after four days there, saying, 'It's not my place.' I thought she was just homesick and tried to talk her out of it. But every time we talked [which was every day], she told me she didn't want to stay, and wanted to come home.

"It was such torture," says the mother.

"I didn't know how she lived or what she had encountered.

"Nong Fon was a lot thinner and had lots of pimples on her face," the 55-year-old mother recalls, remembering the first day she saw her daughter in France after three weeks away from home. "But other than that, she seemed fine."

The day after her mother arrived, Chompunoot passed out for a third time - this time in the toilet.

"I went to school with her. She was in the toilet when I found her unconscious on the floor. I was waiting for her outside, but she was in there for a long time. I went in to check on her, and there she was," says the mother.

Chompunoot's mother decided then and there to take her home.

"It was my daughter's life at stake. If she passed out again and I was not with her, what would have happened? I don't think it's worth it."

Only 40 per cent of students of all nationalities (including French) pass the first year of study in French universities, according to the Education and Training Abroad Service at the Office of the Civil Service Commission. About 50 per cent of Thai government scholarship winners don't pass in their first year.

"My daughter works to be the best," says Chompunoot's mother. "I know my daughter well. It's not her style just to pass the exam. When she studies, she aims for good grades."

About 1,600 students have received Thai government scholarships to study worldwide since 1997. Twenty-seven students didn't complete their programmes and came back, according to the Office of the Civil Service Commission. About 60 to 70 per cent of the students completed the programme in the time given, and about 30 per cent graduated a year or two later.

After Chompunoot came back, she went to see a doctor and found out that she has a faulty heart valve. She tends to pass out easily when she is tired and stressed. When she was in high school, she passed out a couple of times in physical education class.

Chompunoot never really wanted to study law. Her desire was to study at a faculty of arts, majoring in Thai literature. But her dream was unrealised because her father thought she would be better off in a law career.

"My dad was so happy when I decided to study law," Chompunoot says.

Her younger sister scored top of this year's entrance examination to study medicine at Siriraj Hospital, Mahidol University.

Chompunoot, now 21, is studying in her second year at Chulalongkorn University in the Faculty of Law. She has all As and one B on her report cards.

"I made the right decision to come back. Even studying law in Thai is difficult," she says. "Going overseas to study is a beautiful dream for some because when you come back, you'll be admired by many people. But while you are there, you may have to fight and struggle to the death. Other people have no idea what you have to go through. You are alone and have to deal with life alone."

Chompunoot plans to go back to France for her master's degree in law under the same scholarship she won three years ago … after she finishes the bachelor's programme at Chulalongkorn.

"It's not about losing. Whether you lose or not, it's you who says it, not someone else," says Chompunoot. "It's you who tells yourself how and in what way you're going to walk.

"I'm lucky that my mum could afford the plane ticket and flew to take me back home. I'm lucky that she stands by my side and always keeps saying that I'm still 'good' so that I can gain my confidence back. I have good friends from high school who never question me about this decision. I don't think it's wrong that I came back. It's simply a question of being ready, or not being ready."

Rojana Manowalailao

The Nation