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Published on October 14, 2007

"History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind - with a bucket."

Indeed. I am sure that if all the politicians in our sodden Kingdom search their own life for instances of good and fine behaviour, they would, like the rest of us, not exactly be overwhelmed by an excess of choice. Their heroic self-interest and recent descent through credulity into vacuity has been fast-tracked.

Thailand is becoming closer and closer apart, as everyone belongs to a tribe that somehow feels politically exiled. Right now, Thai politics mirrors Chelsea Football Club: owned by the rich, untrusting of its managers and doomed to fall to an organisation that divides half the country.

And the poor continue to finance the wealthy. People look at the assets of the elite and assume their glittering palaces have been built by the money of those who won - rather than those who lost. The stately perks of Thailand. And claiming that Prachai Leophairatana is "brilliant" at economics is like saying Eric the Bloodaxe was good with children.

But if you doubt or question politicians, they tend to react with almost Inquisitional rage, or flounce off in a big queeny huff, retreat with an ice pack over their egos and call their lawyers. Flowers arrive. Yet when called to court, they call in sick. A sure sign that, well, something is not right. "Such dangerous children. They behave like 15 year-olds," tutted my Thai landlady. Possibly, but then nothing you do at 15 is normal.

Politicians have far more in common with themselves than with the people. Maybe we should outsource the election to Mordor. And exactly where and how are the political parties going to spend taxpayers' money to benefit the country? What are their policies? Hello?

As Ben Franklin had it: "Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."

 

Overheard:

"I reckon we should put all these chirruping, imbecile politicians in a shipping container and send it to Tasmania."

"Isn't that rather disrespectful, thoughtless and cruel?"

"They are parasites. They do nothing but rob the people."

"I was rather thinking of the Tasmanians."

 

The government has long complained about departments proving reluctant to give information that might implicate their masters. They may have stories to tell but they also have futures to consider. Perhaps the Assets Examination Committee should try another tack: instead of grilling them with questions, ply them with champagne. If you are seeking the truth, there's no drink quite like it for making one feel expansive - even reckless. "The CTX scanners? Oh yes, brilliant! You'd never guess how we did it... first up, there was this guy in Japan..." It just might just work. And be much more fun. Their sobriety can give you a headache.

 We are also told it's immoral to offer and immoral to accept a bribe. But what has morality got to do with politics? Vote buying is a combination of blackmail and bribery. This column has always maintained that rural people sell themselves far too short. Ask for Bt50,000 and a new tractor. Then vote for somebody else. Samak claims he won't use canvassers because the party will be "accused of vote buying", so no doubt we'll see him paraded on an open-top bus around (and around) Isaan for the next three months throwing money to grateful farm workers. Should they vote for him or throw a net over him?

Who knows. There is much we don't understand. I was 13 years old before I could get my head around the idea that rivers could flow north.

 But not to worry. The police are right on top of potential vote buying, and will start interviewing 17 million people the day after the election..

 The average wage in Thailand is Bt8,442 a month. Millions earn way below that. Some morality. Some wage.

Thais are both highly conservative and superstitious. They are not alone. When the Spaniards arrived on horseback, the Aztecs concluded they had a centaur for an enemy.

 

So Al Gore won the Oscar for Best Fictional Documentary - I mean the Nobel Peace Prize. Yasser Arafat was a Nobel Peace-Prize winner. Mahatma Gandhi was not. It just isn't a very credible process. It should have gone to the Burmese monks.

 

Quote of the week: "If we just stood by, not even dogs would survive in Burma under these bastards' brutality and inhumanity," a woman in Mandalay, pledging that residents were ready to assist the monks whenever their help was needed. (From the Democratic Voice of Burma)

 

Sign outside a travel agency on Khao San Road: "River Kwai Bride with Lunch" 

 

Ronnie Wood of The Rolling Stones is bringing out an autobiography this month: "In New York in the 80s, Jo and I were always having people over to party with us. On one occasion, our son Jamie came downstairs in the morning and noticed someone on the sofa who was completely out of it.

 "When Jamie eventually realised it was Christopher Reeve, he ran into our room crying: 'You've destroyed Superman'." 

Compiled by Roger Beaumont