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Published on October 6, 2007

 This land, known to foreigners as the Land of Smiles should be known as the Land of Peril.Besides the dangers unleashed by the capital's drivers and motorbike riders, you also stand a decent chance of succumbing to Bangkok's river and canal boat operators. Outside the capital, you may also put your life in the hands of some menacing longtail boat, speedboat or island ferry captain who believes it is more important to spend profits on imported whiskey than inflatable safety jackets.

Nothing though is as petrifying and commonplace as the fire. Poor old Bangkokians are in even more jeopardy, when half their fleet of fire engines is inoperable due to some past dodgy dealings. There is also the possibility that you might get stuck in a fire on the borderline of two different fire divisions. There you are, waiting patiently for the engines, while your neighbourhood is burning down and the opposing fire chiefs quarrel over which side is responsible for taking care of the matter. Then, when the fire engines do finally arrive they can't get to work because the electrical engineers, who are too busy watching some football game on TV, haven't yet shut the power down. A few hours later, the national news headlines tell us that 200 people and their pet dogs have been made homeless.

After such incidents, the authorities come out with the same old boring excuse:"We told them to move out of that slum years ago. We offered them cosy new accommodation, but they didn't take us up on our generous offer". That's right: just blame the residents. But what the authorities fail to realise, both in Bangkok and in the provinces, is that folk need somewhere to reside while the brains in charge take a year to actually build the new residences.

Just a couple of weeks ago in the town of Suphan Buri, the pride and glory of a former prime minister, a huge fire engulfed one of the main streets leaving 100 dumbstruck residents homeless with their left-over belongings stuffed in plastic bags. Some local officials quickly pointed their fingers at a creaky old wooden store before it came to light that the actual cause was a faulty electrical power line.

In the aftermath, while the authorities sat twiddling their thumbs, refusing to be of any assistance, volunteers were lining the street appealing for donations. Best of luck to them, as local folk feel that giving a donation to some temple makes for better karma than giving to some needy charity.

It was rumoured that a couple of temples were squabbling over which would be responsible for giving the homeless a place to stay. As for the landowner, he didn't even bother coming to inspect the place. Like so many others, he might have been relieved to finally get the residents off his land instead of having to fight a costly court battle.

Now, just when you thought yourself safe in your flashy apartment, go and check whether your fire escapes are actually operational - I mean if the fire doors aren't bolted up. After all, some tenant who owes a month's rent might make a dash for it in the middle of the night. Should you dare to complain, you may be looked at like some idiot.

Then we have the land's luxurious department stores, well even if their escape routes are open, there is the greatest of possibilities that they are being used as a handy place for both workers to plant their stock and guards and cleaners to sit around smoking and drinking.

Another extreme danger in the Land of Perils is open manhole covers. Beyond a doubt, there have been countless foreign tourists who, after a night on the town, have been found the next morning with a broken ankle, howling up from six-feet under. The chances of compensation? Well, the authorities will kindly advise that the victim shouldn't have been out so late and ought to have been watching were he was going.

One of the latest fads upcountry - which scares the living daylights out of motorcyclists - is the thieving of steel drain covers. Come dusk, unless you have your radar on, there is a good chance you might end up six-feet under - permanently. A while ago, having noticed that some delinquent had stolen one from near my house, I called a law-enforcer acquaintance of mine to see whether he could assist in getting the thing replaced, or at least post up some luminous tape around it. No chance. I was informed that such a task was the duty of the local municipality, and should the police get involved, they would be get complaints stating that it was none of their business. Only after calling upon the influence of a connected person, did I get the authorities to come and do anything.

While Bangkok's pedestrians fear having a huge billboard fall on their heads, people round my way are more petrified of big tree branches crashing down on them. My local authority beautifies our streets by constantly cutting down any branches that poke out in the middle of the roads. What they unfortunately forget to mention to the chaps who do the chopping down, is to be aware of pedestrians walking beneath them. Should you be on the end of a big piece chunk of tree falling down on your head - you guessed it - it's your fault for not looking up and being more careful.

For sure, Thailand is a fun place to live, even if it is at your own peril, but the authorities could make living here just a little bit safer. Life is already cheap in Thailand; what we don't need is for the influential to constantly make it even cheaper.

Stephen Cleary

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com