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Published on September 22, 2007

 In a Nation exclusive, I am able to leak a top-secret report on the parties handed to me by an extremely unreliable high-ranking source I met last week in a karaoke bar:

The Country Folk Party (Phak Rak Khon Bannork).

This party aims to be the first in history to listen to and respect the voices of the poor. Instead of kitting themselves out in Armani suits, the party's members will dress in traditional farming gear, hat and flip-flops. Unlike countless government promises of the past, which failed to materialise, this party will make sure that idle local authorities improve the standard of basic utilities such as water and electric. A free education will be a free education indeed and any dodgy school principals looking for under-the-table fees will be shown the door. Also shown the red card will be the likes of any clean-shaven "Brother Smoochy" from the local temple hoping to get financially involved with the party's publicity activities. Unfortunately, since none of the party's members have a degree, it is assumed that they will not be allowed to run for parliament.

The Same Old Faces Party (Phak Na Kao Kao).

Unlike the Country Folk Party, this party's members will be an educated bunch in possession of lots of certificates - or at least pieces of paper that look like certificates. Adhering to the party's name, all the members will be the same old geezers who have been spouting the same old promises for donkey's years. As for policies and philosophy, well that is the tricky part, for as usual they won't have any. But what is promised, however, is that within just 90 days they will be able to completely eradicate major problems such as corruption, mass flooding and the capital's traffic congestion. As always, the public will be able to enjoy extensive news coverage of the party's members congregating at some fabulous birthday party.

The Thug Party (Phak Nak Raeng).

Fitted out in Ray Ban sunglasses, this no-nonsense party promises to clean our streets of delinquents and clamp down on any wayward members of the public, including policemen who show lack of discipline. Acting like the secret police, sons of the party's members will attend nightclubs, pubs and karaoke lounges making sure no one is out to cause trouble. The members' fearless wives and minor wives will be a menacing force within the party not to be messed with. To prop up the national budget, the party will levy a special tax on bar-owners, passenger van drivers and motorbike-taxi drivers, even if they do have a perfectly valid license.

The Crackdown Party

(Phak Kot Dan Jing Jing).

Just when you thought that past governments had thought up every possible crackdown under the sun, then you will be in for a surprise. This party's members, with the word "crackdown" tattooed across their foreheads, will go ahead with a whole load of new ones. Potential crackdowns include ones on half-blind traffic policemen, cowboy electricians, cheating taxi-drivers, scheming property salesmen, cigarette-puffing petrol attendants, gory newspaper photographs and sweaty bare-chested foreigners.

The Great Soldier Party (Phak Maha Tahan).

To really prove its love for the country and promote nationalism, this party hopes to remind the masses of the highly popular military leaders cum prime ministers of the past. It is intended that TV stations be required to show more army parades and air more army songs. On the streets, the public will be able to take photos with handsome soldiers of their choice. As for school children, they will no longer have to take a bus to school but will instead hop upon tanks. To finance such policies, a higher military budget will be needed.

The Superstar Party

(Phak Dara Dang).

The superstar party members will be popular young faces out to prove they are not as daft as they look. This party has promised to increase the amount of soap operas and game shows from just five hours a day to 10. Documentaries will get the boot. More superstars on TV will be promoted, so that viewers won't have to see the same old mug-shots as they turn from one channel to the next. To boost the party's budget, superstar members will act in even more corny TV commercials and attend dozens of holy amulet blessing ceremonies.

The Thai Culture Party

(Phak Wattanatham).

The formation of dazzling new parties would not be correct if the cultural golden oldies didn't get a fair share of the action. Putting into practice the breathtaking new idea of promoting Thai nicknames, parents will receive cash incentives to call their kids culturally correct names such as (translated roughly into English) Chicken, Pig, Crab, Fatso, Shorty and Blacky. Corrupt imported words from the English language will be banned. The dictionary, for example, popularly called a 'dic', will once and for all be known as a potjananugrom. Comic books too will be banned and kids encouraged to read classical Thai poetry. Private schools will get the thumbs down and parents will be encouraged to send their to temple schools with 70 kids in one class.

The Freedom Party

(Phak Itsaraphap).

A brilliant new party, adhering to a philosophy of freedom, will allow people to learn, watch and read whatever they wish. Out with state schools teaching only Buddhism. Soup-bowl haircuts for girls and skinheads for boys will be eradicated. The older generation will be free to surf the Net and download any naughty movie without fear of a five-year prison sentence. And you won't have to shamefully go about buying a bottle of plonk during daylight hours or wait until one o'clock in the morning to watch your favourite beer commercial.

Stephen Cleary

The Nation

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com.