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Published on September 1, 2007

Let me start today with the meanest of the mean, and that is the one and only non-air-conditioned Bangkok bus.

Just how many times over the years have we heard some enlightened government official lecturing Bangkokians along the lines of "Don't take your car, take a bus!" All far easier said than done, especially when the buses at peak hours are already more crammed with passengers than a rickety Indian train. Should the capital's car-riding population suddenly decide to adhere to this sage government advice, then it is certainly advised that ladders be attached to the rear ends of buses so that commuters will be able to climb up and sit on the roofs.

How can the government seriously expect people to give up their cars, take a bus, be as squashed as a canned pilchard and even put their lives at risk? How many times have you picked up your morning paper only to be faced with some headline about a lunatic bus driver who, fancying himself in league with the likes of Michael Schumacher, drove his vehicle into a pole and did a somersault, killing five and maiming another two dozen? Never mind though, the bus company's owner will soon rush to the rescue, opening his wallet and dishing out sums of compensation to the bereaved families - unfortunately not even enough to purchase a second-hand car.

Other quite awful incidents frequently featured in the papers involve people who have slipped while stepping off a bus, only to be run over by the thing's back wheel. The driver usually blames the passenger for not having more sense and, if the grisly incident had followed a rain, for not exercising caution in such wretched wet conditions. Such a brilliant excuse! The passenger ought to have realised that it is not the policy of Bangkok bus-drivers to sit mindlessly at a bus stop waiting for all passengers to get securely on and off the bus when he is in a rush. The deceased should have known that one of the key skills of a Bangkok bus passenger is the ability to jump on and off the bus at one's own peril. I mean, just how is the poor bus-driver going to earn enough of a commission to feed his kids without whizzing from point A to B and back as frequently as possible?

When tourists first step out of their hotels, one of the first wondrous sites they are bound to see is the impressive feat of 100 people being squeezed into a single non-air-conditioned bus with no doors. Open-mouthed in amazement, the tourists can then snap photos of the panic-stricken passengers nearest the doors, holding on for dear life as the driver accelerates around the bend.

Passengers at the front of buses can, along with inhaling the heady fumes of the road, also feast on second-hand cigarette smoke - compliments of the driver. From this vantage point passengers can also marvel at how the driver manages to steer the vehicle in a straight line while swigging an energy drink and staring out his side window at any lady pedestrian in a miniskirt. Should the driver get pulled over by a traffic officer, he will soon be bellowing about the injustice of it all.

The lovely bus conductresses are also another mainstay on Bangkok's buses. The conductress loves nothing more than waving her tin change canister in the air and frantically rattling the coins inside. Passengers attempting to sneak on free and claim poverty when the conductress comes around for change would be well advised to remember that this canister can make a handy weapon for the bashing of a cheapskate's head.

Whenever there is a bus tragedy, the first person to get the blame is of course the driver (who has usually fled the scene). There have been times though when drivers arrested by police and paraded by policemen on TV claim: "Well, the darn brakes didn't work!" Often this is deemed quite plausible, and the police are next out hunting for the bus company's owner, who is usually found shortly thereafter in his office with a cigar hanging from his lips. While the bus-driver might face jail the owner is usually fined and told that his company has to radically improve the quality of its buses within 30 days. Alas...

Then there's the death-defying inter-provincial bus. Again, we have read countless stories over the years of some upcountry bus that has somehow ended up on its side in a canal located 10 metres or so from the main road. After the police arrive on the scene and arrest the driver (if he has not legged it out of there by then), they often find him in such an intoxicated state that he is reeking to the high heavens and giving the cops a Cheshire-cat grin and a big thumbs-up sign. On contacting the bus company's owner concerning the incident, the usual flimsy excuse is "Well, how was I supposed to know that the geezer was a complete drunkard?"

Along with locals moaning about the quality of the inter-provincial buses, both air-con and non air-con, foreigners too often chime in on the issue. The most popular cause for complaint happens when the bus driver decides to play his loud, squeaky music well past midnight and into the early hours of the morning. The farang, stupefied as to how the Thais can manage to sleep through such a horrendous racket, spends much of his sleepless night dreaming up a plot of how he can rattle the driver's throat.

Another grievance voiced by both locals and especially foreigners is the "crooked" nature of certain bus-station touts. Unaware of the location of the direct speedy bus-ticket booth, naive passengers are approached by some tout (who gets perhaps Bt10 in commission per person) to follow him to his bus, which is going in the passengers' desired direction. What the tout intentionally fails to inform the passengers of, however, is that the bus will first take a detour passing through every single village along the way and will stop every 30 minutes so that the conductor and driver can get off, have a smoke and talk with friends. The usual 100-kilometre journey, which ought to take an hour and a half, ends up taking the entire afternoon.

Thai buses undoubtedly provide great value for the money and offer an adventure not offered outside of roller-coasters in the West. However, if government officials want to be taken seriously in their efforts to encourage more folk to ride them, they must first show clearly that they have some well-thought-out plans to greatly improve the services available, and especially to shore up matters of safety.

Stephen Cleary

The Nation

Suphan Buri

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com