Some of the weird and wonderful perceptions foreigners have of Thailand are made even more extraordinary when they are written by folk whose most authentic Thai experience is buying noodles at their local tom yum goong take-away shop.

So, just where do many of these supposed intellectuals get their glorious ideas about Thailand? Quite obviously from the media.

Take the infamous John Mark Karr scandal last year. When he was arrested in Thailand, the foreign media were up in arms, declaring Bangkok the paedophile capital of the world. Potential perverts, on the phone booking the quickest flight to Thailand, must have been dribbling at the mouth at the prospect of naughty nymphets waiting to be had at every street corner. In a possibly related story in the aftermath of this brainwashing, I remember the news not long after of a Middle Eastern guy busted for standing half-naked while drunk outside of a primary school near Jomthien Beach doing an Arabian belly-dance and waving a Bt100 note in the air. I hasten to add however, that any such lewd and lascivious character may be just a trifle disappointed when he realises that perhaps the Western reports of such everyday activity in Thailand don't quite live up to his fiendish fantasies.

Leading on from that incident, highly qualified and knowledgeable Western reporters were quick to point out that such immoral businesses exist in Thailand because of rampant poverty. Now, I am not going to say that such inhumane activities do not exist in Thailand, but the situation is certainly nothing like what the Western media portrays. As for that poverty lark, well how do you define poverty? If you define it as lack of food, shelter, clean water and clothing, then there is very little poverty in Thailand. If you define poverty as lack of an MP3 player, a new Honda Dream and a flat-screen TV set, yes then there is a lot of poverty in Thailand. By the way, if you had no choice, what kind of poverty would you settle for, a gun-toting Los Angeles slum or a buffalo-ridden remote Isaan village?

And according to the Western media, destitute Thai families from the North and Northeast are so hard up that they are going to starve to death unless their young women go seek out some wealthy male company at a fancy tourist destination or a Ratchadaphisek massage parlour. After watching a documentary on such ordeals, male tourists are completely perplexed when they witness for themselves these girls who have been supposedly forced into prostitution, clad in brand-new designer label jeans, chatting away on their digi-camera mobiles, whilst laughing away and meticulously applying their make-up like junior-high girls. Western media forgets to point out that most girls from hard-up families have a choice. They can either engage themselves in after-dark employment or do as the majority do and find a manual job; it's just that the latter doesn't pay so well.

Working on the Internet, I am often dumbstruck at some of the questions I get asked by potential travellers to Thailand: "Steve, can I buy shampoo and toothpaste in Thailand or must I bring my own?" Or: "Excuse me Steve, if I eat on the street will I get food poisoning?" "Certainly", I reply, "and don't forget, when travelling north, the only mode of transportation is elephant".

Or how about this one I was told by a newly arrived backpacker, and I am not joking: "I heard that if I wanna score some dope I should go to the back of any police station and ask some dodgy-looking cop". Some theatrical foreign reporting of just how easy it is to buy drugs makes it seem as easy to come by as candy - just pop into any old corner shop and stock up on your favourite illegal intoxicants. Or how about drugs and the law enforcers? I have read Internet comments along the lines of this before: "If I get caught with ganja, how much should I pay the police?" Or how about this one for paranoia: "What should I do if a policeman plants drugs on me?" Well, a lot of that mentality again evolves from exaggerated foreign reporting of the cops in Thailand. Now, I am not going to say that such corrupt scenarios don't happen here, because they do, but nothing on the level such reports make it out to be.

The literature written by foreigners who have been incarcerated in Thailand is another sensationalist source of wayward information on the country. Of course if you used to be a prisoner in Thailand and want to write a book about it, your publisher needs to sell the darned story.

It is advised therefore, to just make up a few adventures. Popular tales that sell well include those of wardens with handcuffs indulging in sordid swinging sessions, dog food that is force-fed to new inmates, cunning pregnant cockroaches that'll crawl into your ears, and female pigs for hire in ways that you may not have heard of at your local petting zoo. Finally, there is apparently such an abundance of heroine readily available in Thai prisons that if you have the cash you can shoot up all day long and nobody is going to bat an eyelid. In fact, the Thai judicial system is portrayed in such a bad light in the West that if you do get arrested with a few kilos at the airport, simply plead innocent, claim it was all a set-up and that you were the victim of a brutal beating and soon enough your local media and a pompous politician will be fighting on your behalf in no time!

Besides rampant nymphets and narcotics, another extremely unpleasant element in Thailand is the horrendous Farang Mafia. According to reports, pitiable Pattaya is plagued by scores of extremely dangerous Mafia gangsters from Germany, Italy, Israel... Even Timbuktu is said to have a contingent, and of course there is always the awe-inspiring "Russian Mafia". Before you drop from fear however, let me recount the tale of the supposed Russian Mafia a few years ago. After robbing a bank, the gangsters made their getaway in an instantly bought speedboat and revved it out to sea - Koh Samui bound. Unfortunately however, the hoodlums had failed to realise that such conveyances need a tank full of petrol and thus one hour later they were paraded in front of the entire nation, caught on live television wearing nought but their Y-fronts.

And, finally, what about democracy? We have read and heard, especially from The Land of Uncle Sam, that true democracy doesn't exist in Thailand. I advise, therefore, that Thailand follow in the golden footsteps of such remarkable nations and immediately call a free and fair election. This should be an election just like the ones they have, where propaganda, money, big business and religion have no influence whatsoever on the outcome of their votes. These are wonderful lands, after all, where prostitution and drugs are hard to come by, where no sex industry exists and where no foreign gangsters can be found stalking the streets. And, of course, their citizens are all free of the burden of financial hardship.

Stephen Cleary

The Nation

Suphan Buri

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com.