I have been in Thailand for the last three years, and my problem goes like this: I and my girlfriend, Paa, are both in our 30s. We've been in love for the last five months and plan to get married after a couple of years.

Today I had a little argument with her on the phone. She said that if I wanted to marry her, I'd have to pay her parents Bt500,000 as per Thai custom, and if I can't pay this sum, then I can't marry her.

Is this love?

Paa knows my financial situation, but she still expects me to pay the money. She stays with her father and stepmother. Her real mother married an American and lives in the States. Paa works. She gets a handsome salary and even owns a brand new car.

I am not a rich guy. I have a lot of other problems at home, and I support my parents. So I asked Paa if it was really important for her that I pay. She said, "Yes. It's Thai custom, and I don't want my parents and I to lose face. My friends and I don't want my relatives and others to say bad things about us."

Then I jokingly asked if I'd get a discount.

She said no.

Melanee, I don't know what to do. I love her lot, but it seems to me that Paa is worried about society, not about me and our relationship. I think she could talk to her parents about the money and explain to them that money can't buy a relationship.

Her parents are not in need of money. Her mother is in the US, her father is in his late 70s, and Bt500,000 is really a big amount for me.

How can I make Paa understand that the amount I pay to her parents is not a joke. This money I could save for her and our children. We can save for our future.

Is love for sale?

Paa is worried about society. What can society give us? Society will come to our wedding party and eat there. Will Paa live with society or with her husband?

Please help me.

Thanks,

From MIR

Dear MIR,

I understand why you're bewildered by the request from your fiancée's parents.

Foreigners find the custom of the bride's parents demanding money for their daughter difficult to accept. For them, the parents seem to consider money more important than they do their daughter.

The parents, however, don't feel that they're being mercenary.

They're following the ancient Thai traditions of thong mun and sin sod, in which the groom handles the expenses of the wedding and also provides the bride with a source of support should the marriage fail. May I also point out for all you foreigners out there that these requirements don't apply only to foreign grooms; Thai grooms also face the same situation.

Paa's parents, in fact, have been very "gentle" with you. According to these traditions, they could also ask for gold jewellery and a house, as well as hundreds of thousands of baht (if not millions).

Generally, thong mun is the wealth in jewellery and real estate that would be bestowed on the parents for the benefit of their daughter. The house might even be registered in her name.

Sin sod is the money the groom pays to the parents to thank them for raising their daughter. The parents may keep the money or transfer it (or part of it) to their daughter.

Yes, the tradition is important, and not only for the parents. Paa would feel that your willingness to abide by Thai custom would indicate the extent of your respect for her and her culture.

As for your own financial situation, you need to sit down and talk with Paa.

Such an important aspect of your wedding shouldn't be discussed over the phone.

For you, Bt500,000 is an immense sum, although Paa's parents, who wouldn't know your financial situation, might feel that they're asking very little, based on their own experience. It's up to you to show Paa what you can pay.

Dear MIR, don't argue that you're paying society and buying love.

In the case of thong mun and sin sod, love has nothing to do with it, but respect does.

By Melanee petra   

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