I come from a long line of insomniacs, my own particular speciality being the pop-awake-at-3-o'clock-edition. Suddenly, for no known reason, I awake to find my brain stuck in some exciting loop of preservation. Back in the old days, when it first started, I would just lie there pleading with my thoughts to stop, which, of course, only encouraged them to continue. In time, I discovered the trick is to sit up and find some very, very boring diversion.

Math can work. Counting from 100 backward is a good one. You get so sick of doing it by about 63, your brain is eager to quit. Reading can be helpful, but the book has to be bad. But, if it's too bad you get angry at the author and the publishing industry. So finding just the perfectly bad book can be tricky.

Nothing, I'm telling you, beats the infomercial. I've got the TV on a one-hour timer, the volume way down low. Right now a woman is trying to persuade me to try out a Tempur-Pedic mattress. I don't know. Has the problem all these years simply been my mattress? I don't have a backache, hip ache or a neck ache, like so many people giving testimonials used to have before they bought the bed. I have no intention of buying the bed, but somehow I'm grateful that there are people like me (the Tempur-Pedic mattress sleepers) in the world. What am I talking about? Am I asleep yet?

Almost, apparently. Whoops. Not quite.

I push the remote and land on the story of the Slendertone FLEX Abdominal Toning Belt, one of my favourites. Toned abs everywhere, giving me hope. And a doctor right there saying that clinical trials prove fancy-schmancy this and that. A doctor!

Everybody is so happy. Everybody has the answer. There's joy and goodness and proof in the world. Who wouldn't like to fall asleep on that note?

Every insomniac awake with me surely would. I think of them. My people. I think of sharing the love of the Slendertone FLEX with them. We are the world. This is so beautiful. (Am I falling asleep yet?) The thing about infomercials is that they connect me. Not just with the insomniacs but with a whole audience the infomercial industry knows is out here struggling through the lonely hours. The nurses and the coal miners and the bus drivers just finishing up the night shift. The mothers nursing babies. The next of kin in the hospital emergency room awaiting news.

We could, of course, watch something else. We could watch a movie or the news. But news is upsetting, and movies demand that you keep watching. The thing about infomercials is that you can drift off at any point because they keep repeating the same information over and over again. A rhythm, a mantra. There is a problem (flabby abs) and a miracle (Slendertone FLEX) followed by a problem (lots of pictures you never get around to hanging on your walls) and a miracle (Hercules Hooks). No tools required. With the Hercules Hook you just push, set and hang... Heavy or light, big or small, it hooks, hangs and secures them all. I love these things.

Each Hercules Hook supports an incredible 68 kilograms - strong enough to hold my husband, if he lost a few pounds. Should he lose a few pounds? I could easily hang my sister up with one of these things. And my children. And friends. You'll receive 10 Hercules Hooks for only $15 (Bt530). Order now, and we'll double the offer and send you 20 Hercules Hooks.

Do I have 20 friends I want to hang? Just push, set and hang.... I dream of a house filled with loved ones hanging on the walls. It's a party, everybody one metre off the ground, sipping drinks and laughing.

It's a stupid dream, but like all dreams to insomniacs, glorious.

Washington Post

By Jeanne Marie Laskas