First, here are some real newspaper headlines that should have been worded differently:

l Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over

l President wins on budget, but more lies ahead

l Typhoon rips through cemetery;

hundreds dead

Here are some up-dated sayings and definitions:

l Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

l Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

l Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought into reduce the employee head count, leaving the management with clean hands.

WARNING FOR ALL ALASKANS

Because of the rising number of conflicts between humans and grizzly bears, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert to bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

A LESSON ON LIFE

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times.

She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

ANOTHER LESSON ON LIFE

A man died, and as soon as his soul left his body, an angel came to him. "Where are you taking me?" the man asked.

"You can go to heaven or to hell. It's really up to you," the angel replied.

"May I see what these places are like before I decide?" the man asked.

"Of course," said the angel.

In a second, the two were in a large hall. The huge table in the centre was groaning with food, all the man's favourite dishes.

"Ah, this is heaven!" the man cried out.

"No," said the angel. "This is hell."

How can this be?" the man said.

"You can eat anything you wish at this table, but you must use the utensils that are given to you."

"I don't believe this is hell," the man said, looking at all the good food. "I'll stay here."

As soon as he sat down at the table, he noticed other people were sitting beside him. Their faces were glum, and they weren't eating.

"What's the matter?" the man asked. "Why aren't you enjoying yourselves?"

"Look at what we must use," the people said. Then the man noticed that the eating utensils on the table were unusual chopsticks. They were at least a metre and a half long. The man soon discovered that there was no way he could bring food to his mouth with those chopsticks. When he tried to use his fingers, however, hot flames would shoot out of the food. He couldn't eat anything.

After a few hours, he was just as glum as everyone else at the table.

Finally, he cried out to the angel: "Please help me! I want to go to heaven."

The angel appeared and obligingly took the man to heaven. The man found himself in a room that resembled the one in hell. The huge table in the centre of the room was groaning with food, all the man's favourite dishes. The eating utensils were still those chopsticks a metre and a half long.

There was one difference. The people sitting at the table were smiling and relaxed. They talked joyfully to one another.

"Why are they so happy?" the man wondered. Then he looked more closely.

The people at the table were indeed using the chopsticks. They were feeding each other.

By Melanee petra   

Do you have a Problem

that Melanee can advise you on?

Fax (02) 751 4446, or e-mail her at:

melaneepetra@hotmail.com