Ah yes, the old rule of law. Much debated. Rarely implemented. Whenever a judge here asks a politician - who has boldly gone where no corruption has gone before - for some important missing papers, the politician holds an onion under his eyes and claims the dog ate his homework.

May I also direct you to the immortal words of Lord Goldsmith, who said: "It has been necessary to balance the need to maintain the rule of law against the wider public interest." 

In Thailand this still translates as: "It is always necessary to balance the need to maintain the rule of law against the narrower private interest."

Perhaps there should be a provision somewhere in the new constitution that reads: "When the law is against you, argue the facts; when the facts are against you, argue the law. Of course, this reads much better in French.

Our interim government may have oodles of wisdom as a result of its grand age and experience, but they seem somewhat slow on the uptake, which reminds me of an old Jewish joke:

"My wife is having an affair."  "Oh, really? Whose doing the catering?"

***

"Dear Mr Beaumont, in reference to your last column on the benefits of drink to society, Earnest Hemingway readers may well recall his manly Martini - 15 parts gin to one part vermouth mix. Noel Coward's was more manly still. I was lucky enough to stay in the Master's New York apartment for a few long months long ago and his Martini directions were very clear: chill the gin and shake it, lemon peel routine, incline towards Italy and serve." Yours, soberly, Humphrey Wakefield, Ko Chang.

***

Christmas-crackers:

I asked a dozen Thais from varying walks of life what Christmas Day was all about. Lots of um's and ah's. A giggle or two and three "mai roos". Then the housemaid said it was Santa's Birthday - which is perfectly understandable when you consider there isn't one image of Jesus in the twinkly commercial arena.

 A Mr Hugh Bailey e-mailed and said: "As a Christian, I would welcome a greetings card featuring other faiths." Well, every year an Egyptian Muslim sends me a card featuring Father Christmas in full Arctic get-up, flanked by two pharaohs, fishing from a raft on the Nile. How's that for eclecticism?

 Meanwhile, Michael White in The Daily Telegraph notes: "On the Internet you can buy cribs at which Mary welcomes Father Christmas and a penguin to the manger; the Holy Family look like the Flintstones; or the baby Jesus is a sort of Eucharistic truffle, robed in chocolate with a vin santo filling."

 Apparently, there was a low-cost Christmas holiday production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, for which the budget could run to only one dwarf. At his first entrance, coming to the aid of Snow White, he would turn to the wings and declaim: "You six stay there; I'll deal with this."

***

Okay, so the English, as expected, were pulverised by the Aussies in the Ashes. That's a series of cricket games to the rest of you, and a sport that Robin Williams once described as "watching baseball on valium".

 "Sledging" or trying to put the batsman off his concentration, has long been part of the ritual. For those who follow the game, perhaps you remember that infamous exchange, when the current Australian bowler Glenn McGrath tried to break the concentration of the Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes by asking why he was so fat. Brandes replied: "Because every time I sleep with your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

***

Quotables:

"I think we represented the country superbly and don't think we let anyone down," beamed the political spokesman, who, as you can tell by the dual factors of failure and self-delusion, was an ex-Thai Rak Thai politician

"Unload this mother into the plastic tray as you walk through security at Heathrow and just see what happens." The Guardian's Andrew Martin on The new Swiss Army knife that contains 85 devices, weighs nearly a kilo and costs around Bt35,000.

Favourite quote of 2006:

"The Americans are impatient. At the first sight of a setback, they run away. We, however, know how to be patient. We have been weaving carpets for thousands of years." Hassan Abassi, advisor to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.

Badge of the year seen at an anti-Thaksin demo: A cartoon of square face with the tag: "The Grinning Profit."

School kid's badge: "If it stinks, it's chemistry; if it wriggles, it's biology; and if it doesn't work, it's physics".

Pinned below deck in a lone Frenchman's catamaran during a round -the-world yacht race: "Below the Roaring 40s there is no law. Below the screaming 50s there is no God."

***

Wasn't sure whether to include this, but seeing it's the festive season and that it was sent to me by my 81-year-old mother, I thought what the hell and hoped it got past the editors. It obviously did. Merry Christmas to you.

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car on Christmas Eve. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield-wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield-washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield-washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

Compiled by Roger Beaumont