The ever-wise sporting authorities have decided therefore, that what the country really needs is to promote 10 new Thai-style sports at competitive level. With Thailand already experts in such fields, they could really go on to conquer the world. Here below, received from completely unreliable sources, is the list of proposed new sports.

The Elephant Marathon. With troupes of mahouts and their burly elephants, Thailand will soon take this sport to the world. There should be absolutely no problem winning international 'golds' at this event as Bangkok's elephants are all too familiar with stomping up and down the streets, walking the equivalent of a marathon every single night. As for the mahouts, they will be busy trying to knock off plastic bags of cheap bananas to spectators at Bt20 a shot. Typical obstacles to be avoided during future marathons will be five-foot-deep uncovered manholes and shoddy power-lines.

The Crash and Dash (Fleeing the Scene). Perhaps not the grooviest or safest of sports for the passenger extras involved, but the spectators will be flabbergasted at how fast bus-driving athletes will flee the scene of a staged accident. With an energy drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other and the steering wheel under the chin, they will have to race along a main track at breathtaking speeds. On the impact of the crash, the gold medal will be awarded to the driver who frantically manages to jump over all the injured and dash away as quickly as possible - perhaps never to be seen again. Competition judges will be dressed as bewildered police officers and possible lynchers.

The Animal Hunt. With a bow and arrow at the ready, competitors will be tossed into the middle of a jungle to shoot as many endangered animals as possible. Should the host authorities be unable to find enough wildlife to maim or kill, unofficially imported animals from Burma will suffice. Better still, rangy-looking tattooed drug-fiends from local villages can be used as targets instead. Huge bonus bounties will be offered to anyone who manages to shoot any the rarest animals such as the Indonesian rhino.

Motorcycle Racing. This much-loved sport of the male youth will literally have spectators on the edge of their seats. And it's already estimated that tens of thousands of school dropouts will be eligible to compete at national level. These daredevils with wheelie skills will have to dash along a highway at manic speeds. Thankfully, the road will be void of nuisances such as other modes of transport, pedestrians, cops and stray dogs. Extra points will be handed out to riders for: extremely mad stunts; driving the wrong way, and of course, riding without lights. Bonuses from local sponsors will be afforded to the most deafeningly noisy bike.

Unorthodox Fishing. The fishing tournaments will be held near a virgin tropical island in the Andaman Sea. In the first event, spectators will witness for themselves, the amazing "splash and blast" of dynamite fishing. In the aftermath, hoards of dead fish and huge pieces of coral can be viewed floating to the top. Next, there will cyanide and electric fishing, strategic fishing tactics perfected over time by the locals.

100m for the Blind. Not forgetting the disabled of course, the 100-metre walk for the blind is sure to evolve into one of the most difficult in the history of sport. With decades of experience of having to master the dreaded Bangkok footpath, Thailand's blind are sure to win gold medals. The location of this event is to be a track very much resembling a Sukhumvit sidewalk - full of vendors. With most of the space already taken up, the athletes will also be forced to navigate their way around potholes, parked motorbikes and huge election billboards.

Chopping and Logging. A truly masculine sport, a real test of the strongest and fittest. The sportsmen will, like the hunters, be sent into a forest situated somewhere along the Burmese border. Kitted out with mighty axes, it will be their goal to savagely saw down as many trees as humanely possible before the sun sets. Once it gets dark, the loggers will have to carry all their timber back to a massive truck, parked along the nearest road, which is in fact destined for a major port. Even though they might be hot favourites, with years of experience, Thailand may still have to fight off fierce competition from fellow loggers and staunch rivals across the border - Burma.

The Zebra-Crossing Sprint. Within a time-limit of three minutes, Bangkok's finest pedestrians cum athletes will have to get from one end of the zebra crossing to the other, while pitting their wits against hundreds of oncoming drivers completely indifferent to the traffic laws. Seriously dangerous vehicles to be avoided at all costs will include manic bus drivers and their conductors, the latter of which can be seen hanging out the door like deranged monkeys. Due to pitiful past newspaper reports, all foreigners in Thailand will be barred from entering this specific event.

Whistleblowing. Anyone who has spent any time on or near Thailand's roads will have realised just how ferociously loud our local policemen can blow their whistles at passing vehicles. It has been decided therefore, that the dedicated bobbies should have the opportunity to take their earlobe-shattering whistling skills into the international arena. Extras dressed up as motorcyclists and 70-year-old pedestrians will be used in the events, thus giving the competitors the inspiration to blow as loudly as possible.

The Jail Squeeze. There are plenty of so-called sporting or social events such as 'How many people is it possible to fit into a telephone box or a Mini car', so it's about time that Thailand proved to the world how many locals they can squeeze into a single prison cell. Experts in the field, including wardens from the Corrections Department, will be on hand with huge batons to show just how easy it is to squeeze 500 people into a single room. Besides being just a tight-squeeze in this 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' style event, the lucky contestants will also be forced to endure seven days without the ability to move any of their limbs.

Steve Suphan

Steve Suphan is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com.