It has to do with the physical chemistry between you, even if you have nothing in common.

Second, you're emotionally attracted. You share similar interests and have the same goals in life. You emotionally "click".

Unfortunately, these two categories don't necessarily coincide.

Sometimes two people are attracted to each other first, only to find that this physical thing won't lead to a commitment. Why? Because the only time you both sing the same song is in bed.

Sometimes they have lots of fun together, but then figure they're better off being just friends.

Most of the time couples fall into the second category - they may or may not be physically attracted to one another at first, but have many things in common. They have a great time together. Once this relationship builds, physical attraction follows. They both go places.

But next comes the scary step. Most couples think they're in this long-term relationship and are two committed lovebirds in the making. But are they really?

Think of married couples who've been together for years, have built a beautiful home together and have kids. But, heck, they end up divorcing. Why? It must be because of some challenge that's come up.

Recently my committed second-category relationship has been challenged by a first-category attraction.

I love my boyfriend of six years dearly. I'm attracted to him and committed and we share the same stuff in life. I can easily see myself with him forever.

The problem is that my attraction to him didn't start until months after we got together. Since he's not my type, I sometimes wonder how long I can maintain the self-control to avoid cheating on him.

I thought I'd changed. After all those years of heartbreak with bad boys, I'm still me, looking for a hard-to-get, insecure, promise-to-hurt-me kind of guy.

Meet Jay, the hot challenge of my relationship. I was introduced to this half-Thai, half-Caucasian American a few weeks ago by a mutual friend. Lots of people dislike Jay simply because he has a strong personality. He's a straight talker with a commitment phobia.

Jay knew the first day we met that I had a serious boyfriend, but that didn't stop him from flirting with me. And I know the reason he keeps trying is because of the challenge. I look at Jay thinking of this game we've played. Flirting back and forth won't take us anywhere, but it's been fun. I know in my heart that I really like this guy, but at our age, I also know our little game will only lead to the bedroom and nowhere else.

Still, after thinking, thinking and thinking, I'm still in this game with him. "Why?" I keep asking myself. I seriously don't know.

As to my beloved boyfriend, I kind of feel bad. The whole time I thought he had all these flaws, but it seems clear that I'm the one who has a problem. I feel I haven't grown up after all.

In the past I was always the kind of gal who looked for a challenge in the game of relationships. I figure that since this committed relationship has been sailing along smoothly, my inner self was looking for something exciting, something that wasn't right, that was forbidden yet thrilling.

So I ponder. It's the first time in my life that I've felt again like I did when I was 16.

Comments on this column can be sent to relations@nationgroup.com.

By Pondering