Most soap opera characters are the same, so here is a list of examples:

1. A stunningly milky-skinned leading actress with a fancy nose job. Please be assured that even though she is as thick as your copy of the yellow pages and has the acting qualities of an ostrich, that is not the point - she has the looks.

2. A squeaky clean leading actor. This is Thailand, so no muscle-tanned Florida qualities here. Thai TV prefers star actors who have skin as smooth and white as a baby's bottom, use 'for-men beauty lotions' and have the latest Korean-style haircut. He might be as hunky as a hedgehog but he is extremely rich.

3. An awfully jealous elder sister. She is as wonderfully good-looking as the leading actress but throws tantrums every time she can't pull the man of her dreams. Not just a pretty face, she also has the evilest eyes, meanest grin and the angriest voice around.

4. An extremely dangerous ex-boyfriend/admirer of the star girl. Unlike the leading actor this guy is squeaky bad, even richer, a filthy womaniser, addicted gambler and a complete delinquent.

5. A totally nasty ex-girlfriend/admirer of the star guy. Siding with the leading actress' elder sister she is also an entirely loathsome type. Spends her time spreading gossip, stealing money and getting stupidly drunk every time she's the slightest bit upset.

6. A powerful and possessive father-in-law. Linked to corrupt local politicians, he is constantly involved in illegal business. He waltzes around with an Al Pacino look and is surrounded by a squad of beefy bodyguards who all wear identical black sunglasses.

7. A despicable minor wife. A true horror of a woman, she meticulously plans the downfall of the merciful common-law wife. More ambitious than just winning her husband's signature in righteous marriage, she is also dreaming of knocking him off and seizing his millions.

8. A not-so-smart ladyboy. As the comedian of the series, she doesn't do that much but fall over chairs and plaster herself in make-up. Actually, she performs all the classic stereotype, slapstick Thai comedy stuff you can imagine.

9. An uneducated Isaan maid. Just like the ladyboy, the maid's role is funny and family-friendly. She spends her days in the house waddling around whistling folk tunes while wearing a kinky-looking French chambermaid uniform.

10. A daft-looking ghost. No Thai drama would be complete without a corny ghost of some kind. The ghost either looks like a freaky black-eyed witch with a severe hangover or an odd replica of Kermit the Frog.

Next, there is the plot. Most of the stories are more or less the same from beginning to end, so let's have a brief look at a classic example of "Lakhorn nam nao" ("Insanely depressing tear-jerking drama").

Our leading actress, a damsel in distress, has been subjected to a horrific life locked up in the house by her biological mother and her mother's new lover - a former hated enemy of her dad. Beaten and abused since a small child, she finally falls in love with the man of her dreams - a wickedly handsome fruit farmer. Now, the fruit farmer may be a bit of a stunner, but what he lacks is the financial status desired by mum and crooked step-dad.

Anyway, the couple secretly elope and have a darling baby. Sadly for the toddler and happy mum and dad however, the leading actress has been forced into an arranged marriage with the local gun-toting gangster, the first son of an ever-mighty popular politician. Heartbreak all around - the love child has been put up for adoption, the fruit farmer has been forced into army service and the leading actress leads a complete life of misery in the arms of a scoundrel.

A complete tear-jerker beyond words and the audience just laps it up. Gladly, in the final episode, the dreaded gangster husband gets arrested and sentenced to life imprisonment and the fateful couple and their beloved child are reunited and everyone lives happily ever after.

The viewers just love a rags-to-riches tale and the more emotionally moving the better. What is compulsory however, is a happy ending, and nothing like any disastrous finale as in Romeo and Juliet. As in accordance with the laws of Buddhist karma, goodness always wins over badness.

Thai soap operas are quite obviously a distraction from the usual burdens of everyday reality, just like the fortnightly lottery jackpot winner. Such stories truly are a heavenly hope for those born into either economic and/or loveless misery - actually not that much different from such dramas in the Western world.

Besides the ever-loved modern-day "Lakhorn nam nao" there is also the early evening family favourite "Ancient Fable Drama", again a rags-to-riches tale of some beautiful country bumpkin who marries a shockingly good-looking lad with absolutely stacks of cash. Here below is a typical "ancient fable" plot.

Our leading actor is a prince from the past, residing in a spectacularly huge castle. Feeling distraught at the prospect of having to marry into an extremely boring posh family, he orders his servants to find him a fine down-to-earth bride from the local village. Meanwhile (just as in "Cinderella"), the leading actress has been abused by her hateful elder step-sisters, who do everything in their power to ruin any possible understanding between the handsome prince and the poor leading actress.

Adding a bit of distinctive Thai flavour to the story however, there are plenty of sordid insights into castle wives feuding and fighting with jealous minor wives. Then, for an extra splash of humour, there is a one-legged, nine-footed giant and a platoon of three-footed real-life dwarves running around "Snow White"-style. Of course, in the end the perfect prince and the village beauty are united, married, have two lovely kids and live happily ever after.

Thankfully, Thailand is a country that loves beauty and the land's soap operas have plenty of that on show. The locations, houses and female stars are quite splendid. None of the locations suffer from air pollution, none of the houses suffer from frequent power cuts and all the actresses are dolled-up as if they were off to some fancy ball.

Just in case you were wondering about the lack of love scenes in Thai soap operas, then please be advised that such awful Western influences are banned from Thai TV. A quick cuddle between the leading actress and actor is perfectly all right, but any scenes of the couple actually kissing are strictly prohibited unless the couple has been married in the part. This is due to the country's Culture Ministry, which, after much costly research, has determined that such intimacies do not occur in Thailand outside of marriage. So, if you want to see any filthy, un-Thai stuff like that you had better go back to watching soap operas in Farangland.

Stephen Cleary

Special to The Nation

Stephen Cleary is a teacher living in Suphan Buri. He is also the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com