" Thaksin Shinawatra, in response to a reporter's question as to whether his recent northern tour had helped him decide whether he will try to make a comeback or take a break from politics.

Dear Diary:

Oops, I let my best-kept secret slip the other day. I am utterly confused. If people had really listened to what I said, they would have caught me making the most devastating confession of my political life: I don't know what I really want. I have a split personality. I want to quit, but I don't want to leave. I know I need to go before it's too late, but at the same time I want to hang on because I am not sure what they are going to do to me after I am no longer in power.

Could somebody help me by telling me what I should do?

Could somebody please stop me from uttering bad words that are unbecoming of an acting prime minister?

I know my time is up. I know I have passed my peak. But I don't want to go. If I go, what will happen to my Bt73 billion from selling Shin Corp's shares to Temasek? They are still haunting me with investigations on the "nominee" issue. And they seem determined to get the Revenue Department over my children's tax plan. If I take a break from politics, would they give me a break? I doubt it. Nobody would guarantee that if I step down, I would be given "safe passage" out of the woods. Can't they see, then, that I will have to play this "now-I-quit, now-I-don't" game. Come on, they can't expect me to just go away and let them cook my family and I alive.

But then, if I stay on, I know life is going to be hell for me. The country will be divided even further. Already, wherever I go, pockets of protesters scream obscenities at me. My populist policy (no, I am not going to admit to that in public either) has run its course, I'm afraid, and all my opponents are going to put more pressure on me to be out in the open about how I spend taxpayers' money to keep myself popular. And if I can't pursue my populist platform, how can I keep on claiming 15, 16 or 19 million votes of support?

Then there is that stupid question the press keeps asking me regarding who my successor will be. Who says I need a successor in the first place? I know I shouldn't have said it, but I wasn't really in control of my own mind when I said if caretaker Deputy Prime Minister Somkid Jatusripitak decides to leave me, that it wouldn't have any great impact on the government. Of course that's true, as far as I am concerned. But what made me say such a thing?

Why did I say that Somkid is just an arm or a leg and not the brain of the government? Sure, that guy is highly overrated by the press and in business circles. Sure, I had publicly indicated that he would probably be my political heir if one were ever required, but, for god's sake, did anyone actually believe I really meant what I said? Besides, he has been acting as if he isn't my lieutenant anymore. But then I know I made a terrible mistake by even responding to the question. I should have kept my mouth shut. But then, as I said, I wasn't myself that day.

In fact, I haven't been myself at all over the past year or so. To be very frank, I don't even know "myself" anymore. Did I say it's because I don't trust myself - or because I don't trust Somkid - or both? All I know is that I am in bad trouble.

When I really think about it, though, I must admit I knew why I exploded that way about Somkid. It's when Pinij Charusombat, my caretaker public health minister and, yes, the leader of the Phyanak Faction in my party (hell, no, I would never admit in public that there are factions in Thai Rak Thai), declared out of the blue that he would take a break from politics after the next election - and then added, out of nowhere, that Somkid too was pondering leaving me.

What the hell did Pinij have in mind when he made that stupid statement without consulting me? Of course I know why he said it, but how can I tolerate being snubbed like that. The fact that Pinij says things that reflect negatively on me shows that they are seriously thinking of abandoning me at a time when I badly need their public support. But look at what that ungrateful guy did to me.

By saying he wasn't going to take a Cabinet post after the election, he was simply slapping me in the face. He was in effect telling the whole country that it is I who should be making that pledge. I know he was attempting to put pressure on me. And I also know that Pinij isn't alone in this. It's beginning to look more and more like a conspiracy within my party to oust me. What the hell is happening to my party? What on earth is happening to me? Have I really lost control of the party? Is my worst nightmare coming true? The terrible dreams that have been haunting me have me being chased by a group of wild foxes, forcing me to climb a tree and scream for help. I made such a loud ruckus in my sleep that my wife woke me up to ask: "Are you having the same nightmares that I've been having, dear?" I know I can't go on like this. Could somebody help me please? Tell me who I am and what I want. Be kind to me. Convince me that I haven't lost all my marbles. Oh, I wish I knew what I really need to do next.

Suthichai Yoon