You, meanwhile, are something more recognisable: Rodin's "Thinker". You're sitting there with chin resting on a hand, trying to figure it all out.

Most of us hide our mystification, smile and let things slide. We are civil. We act like a good girlfriend should.

"Don't let things get to you," the optimists say. "Don't sweat the small stuff. The sun will shine again tomorrow." Aw.

To hell with that - I ain't Dr Phil and his show sucks anyway. Once in a while I refuse to be civilised, at least temporarily.

The animal in me - call it raw instinct - used to be just an occasional visitor. But today - moments before I started writing this column, in fact - it's come to stay for good.

So long, civilisation! Really, I feel bad for you, but blame it on the guy who kicked you out of me just minutes ago.

We'll call him "Chuck".

Chuck is an old pal of my boyfriend, Dan, and when Dan moved away from their hometown a few years back, it must have broken Chuck's heart. So Chuck has recently moved here to be closer, so they can hang out. Now they live close by again and even work at the same company. God, help me.

Chuck always wants to play basketball with Dan, eat with him after work, hit the bar - the list goes on. They look like a perfect couple, but they're not gay.

I was cool to begin with. I let it slide. I was the good girlfriend.

Then Dan bought a new XBox 360 with Fight Night Round 3. He couldn't wait to share it with his buddy. They've been at it for six hours already.

All of a sudden, Chuck says he's feeling grimy and needs a shower.

"You can shower here," I say. "It's gonna take you 30 minutes to get home and 30 to get back."

I'm being nice, but I'm betting Chuck will head home anyway. He's been here forever and has no extra clothes. I'm in high spirits because Dan will see what an understanding girlfriend he has.

"Cool," Chuck says. "Do you have any towels? Maybe I should stay over tonight. What do you think?"

The animal in me howls. Civilisation lies in ruins. Screw the good-girlfriend crap. To hell with Chuck and Dan as well - I have a life too.

"Up yours!" my animal roars at Chuck.

Dan looks at me in silence for five minutes with an expression of "what the!?"

I remember telling him once that I could be a lethal assassin. Now my targets are his so-cool-and-so-expensive freaking XBox and the buddy that came with it. Which one should I kill first?

Have I finally become a "problem girlfriend"?

Not at all. Problem girlfriends would be asking questions like "Why do you spend so much time with Chuck?" and screaming, "You spend hours with that damn game. Do you realise I exist?"

And, of course, this would be followed by, "Why don't you choose between Chuck and me?"

These are lame laments for little girls.

Smart girls know that this whining gets you nowhere. Plus, guys who are obsessed with video games don't have what it takes to answer such challenges (predictably enough).

In responding to a situation like I've described, girls first have to ask themselves a very important question: Is my boyfriend worth fighting for?

If the answer is no, then that's it. Why do you care?

Let the duo play their childish games and walk away.

But if your boyfriend is worthwhile, here's what you should do:

l Be sneaky, but civil. From what you say to him, it sounds like everything's peachy, but from the expression on your face, he'll know - if his IQ is high enough - that something is badly in need of fixing.

l Never, ever buy a second controller for the video games. Thus, his buddies won't be able to demand rematches.

l Let him and his pals go hungry - no food or drink offered or allowed.

l Ban smoking.

l Ditch the hospitality. Make coming over to your place seem like a cheap Chinese buffet.

l Don't be available every time your boyfriend needs you. Basically, you must become a pain in the ass.

l Ignore his friends completely.

Sometimes guys have got to learn what it takes to be a good boyfriend.

If, after all the signals you've given him, he still doesn't get it, he might be slower than you think.

Is he still worth it, then?

By Pondering

Comments on this column can be sent to relations@nationgroup.com.