Published on December 12, 2005

An American friend whom I’ll call “Bill” (it’s a small world, so I won’t use his real name) surprised me recently. He had come to Bangkok about two years ago, fell in love with the place, and now spends more time here than he does in the US.

He’s self-employed, so unlike the rest of us, he has the freedom and flexibility to live just about wherever he wants.

What attracted Bill to Bangkok was the sex: Within 24 hours of being on Thai soil, Bill, who’s approaching 50, began picking up twenty-something Thai guys on the Skytrain, the subway, along Silom Road – you name it.

The entrance to his serviced apartment became a daily revolving door and a source of amusement to the reception desk. Bill wasn’t paying for the fun, either – he was meeting working Thai men who wanted sex.

Before I go further, a note to heterosexual readers: While what follows is a tale involving gay people, it applies to everyone – gay, straight, men, women, married, living together or single. So even if you’re not a member of a sexual minority, please read on.

As Bill began his sexual adventures, one problem popped up almost immediately: Many of the guys he slept with wanted to date him exclusively. In other words, they wanted Bill to be their boyfriend, and that meant they expected Bill to stop picking up other guys.

Well, that wasn’t Bill’s style. He liked sleeping around and didn’t want a monogamous relationship. To his credit, he didn’t hide this fact from his sex partners. When they asked him if he was seeing other men, Bill answered “yes” and said he would continue doing so.

Some of his partners accepted this fact and continued to date him occasionally, while others wished him well and drifted away.

When we would meet for lunch or dinner, Bill would regale me with tales of his dating. I listened with awe, envy and yearning.

While I have been with my Thai partner for nearly 10 years, the romance in our relationship died three years ago, after I had cancer surgery. When the doctor removed my cancerous tumour, it seems the heart of my relationship was taken with it. Sex and physical affection have all but disappeared, and what I have now is a loving roommate, though I yearn for more.

And, as it now turns out, so does Bill. During a recent lunch, he surprised me by saying he was getting tired of picking up guys and had a yearning for a close relationship.

“But what about all those guys who wanted to become your boyfriend after just one night of sex?” I asked. “You don’t have any problem getting involved. You can ride the Skytrain tonight and have a boyfriend tomorrow.”

“What I can have is attachment,” Bill said. “That’s not the same thing as emotional intimacy, of being close to someone.”

In other words, for most people, a romantic relationship is like a form of house arrest: you restrict your partner’s sexual activity to you alone, and you always know where the person is.

Or as Bill put it: “You agree not have sex with anyone else, and you tell me your whereabouts.”

Bill’s idea of a relationship comprises emotional closeness. We share what’s in our hearts, whether it’s happy or painful. It involves the risk of opening up your deepest thoughts and fears to someone, at the risk of being ridiculed or rejected. It means always living with some insecurity because you have made yourself vulnerable to another person, someone with the power to hurt you deeply.

Bill is right. Most of us don’t understand what a real romance is about. We think of living together as being sexual roommates: lots of good, monogamous sex (we hope), always knowing where our partner is, acting friendly towards each other, but without revealing our deepest feelings.

The irony, Bill reports, is that while few adults seem to understand what it takes to have a deep relationship – or they understand but are too scared to open their hearts – they remain deeply disappointed or bitter that they don’t have one.

Bill meets many guys who go to gay saunas for sex because they’ve given up on finding “Mr Right”. They no longer think a long-term relationship is even possible.

Well, of course it’s possible. It means taking chances and getting hurt. “You can’t win if you’re not at the table,” the old saying goes, referring to gambling at the craps table. You need to keep throwing the dice and, sure, it hurts every time you crap out. But eventually you will make your point.

The only sure thing is that you can’t win if you don’t play. And I’m grateful for meeting Bill at lunch, where besides the meal, I was served some food for thought.

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