Published on November 21, 2005

I’m a teacher, and I admit to having had sexual feelings towards some of my ESL students, who are all adults.

As a professional, I have never acted on those feelings or even hinted at them while I was their teacher. But once the classes end and it appears that I won’t be teaching them again, I’m faced with the question: Can a former student and I have a sexual relationship?

The question came up recently in an e-mail with an ex-student. I have wanted to date him for quite some time, though I had never asked him out. In a recent message asking me for some help with an English assignment, he signed his letter “Love”.

I was surprised, and I signed my reply “Love you, too”.

He wrote back again with the same “love” signature, and added that he liked my “love you, too” line. He then added: “LOL” as in “lots of luck”. It felt like a punch in the stomach, because I thought he was being snide, as in, “Good luck trying to get into my pants, old man. You’re 20 years older than me!”

Ouch!

Actually, I don’t know if he meant that (I’m too embarrassed to ask), but I had to ask myself why I wanted to date him anyway – beyond his being intelligent, interesting and attractive.

Not every relationship is about sex, but sex enters into every relationship once we’ve passed puberty. As we begin a relationship – at school, in the office or anywhere – it starts with the most basic question: Will we have sex or won’t we?

After all, it’s only natural that something as primal as sex enters into all of human intercourse, even if it’s just the simple question of whether a particular relationship will be sexual or not.

In most cases, the “whether” becomes “why”. Why sex? If you’re not trying to give birth to a child, why have it? Nature gave us a sex drive so we would have children and ensure the survival of the human race, but if you know you’re not going to have children with a particular person, why does the desire still arise to have sex with someone?

This situation comes up all the time: In an office romance between married colleagues, for example, between two gay men or women, or a married couple that simply desires to have no children or no more than they currently have. Still, they want sex to be a part of their relationship. Why?

Beyond making babies, people use sex for many things, from a weapon of violence (rape) to lucrative employment (prostitution). Despite our wide-ranging use of sex, most people seem to hold a black-and-white view of it: Either you have sex with someone as part of a romance that you hope will lead to a long-term relationship, or you have it as entertainment in a one-night stand or with a prostitute.

In other words, either you’re looking to get married or you’re looking to get laid.

I’ve always held a middle-of-the-road view: To me, sex is an expression of affection. It doesn’t need to lead to marriage (or, since I’m gay, a long-term romantic relationship), but for me it means more than a one-night stand. I’ve never had anonymous sex in a gay sauna, for example, because I can’t feel affection towards a total stranger.

There’s an actual term in the gay world for what I’m talking about, “f**k buddy”, but few gay men I know seem to have such a buddy or want to be one themselves. To my surprise, almost no one I know seems to approach sex as I do. They take the common black-and-white view.

Since I have no desire for sex in the park, and I’m not ready to leave my long-term lover for other guys whom I like, I’m often frustrated.

As for my ex-student, we’re planning to have lunch soon. That’s safe: We can’t have sex because we’ll each need to get back to our jobs. Maybe I’ll work up the nerve to ask him to explain his “LOL” line. Maybe he’ll see sex the way I do and want to invite me back to his apartment some time.

I’m hoping for a sexy answer, but I doubt I’ll get the answer I want – which would suit my lover just fine.

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