Published on November 11, 2005

Although I am now attending an international media conference in London, I have been keeping in touch with my friends around the world. They keep sharing with me horror stories they’ve heard about what could happen if a bird-flu pandemic breaks out and steps we can take to avoid getting sick.

An American friend, who recently watched an episode of the “Late Show with David Letterman” on the topic, said the host gave a list of “Top 10 Dumb Guy Tips for Avoiding Bird Flu”. It may be helpful to share them with you now:

10. Before eating chicken, soak it in Lysol.

9. Don’t lick unfamiliar pigeons.

8. Frighten birds by constantly meowing.

7. Stay away from basketball great Larry Bird.

6. Anti-bacterial smoothies.

5. Move to a place where there are no birds, like the moon.

4. Avoid birds that look like they’re up to something.

3. Go back to the old Y2K bunker: start drinking.

2. Fill bird feeder with Sucrets.

1. If you have a chicken, check for swelling in the McNuggets.

Meanwhile, somebody here in London has told us the producers might have to considering cancelling performances of “Swan Lake”, at least until the end of the 2006 season. Producers of the classic Russian stage ballet are reportedly facing the dilemma of whether to cull the swans.

Any revision of Tchaikovsky’s famous ballet would be considered blasphemous, though. Anyway, to be on the safe side, Londoners should probably just stick to “The Nutcracker” for now.

Another person I talked to had heard a rumour about a kindly and bespectacled old man resembling the Colonel Sanders statues outside KFC outlets recently going for a flu vaccination at a London clinic.

Further fuelling the panic is a television report, shown to us during the international media seminar, about the world’s first case of tomato flu in the UK. A Briton is suspected of suffering from tomato flu after he ate some tomato sauce. The television programme was not able to confirm the identity of the patient or talk to the doctors who had treated the patient.

As with suffers of other flu strains, those afflicted with tomato flu experience aches in the head, chest and stomach, a high fever, runny nose and/or a dry throat.

Yet the unnamed Briton might have actually come down with bird flu, not tomato flu, since he was reported to have eaten fried chicken (albeit with ketchup).

And a friend from Central Asia asked for advice on whether she should travel to Turkey. I told her that she should probably stay home for the time being. In Thailand, GMM Grammy might need to take the precautionary measure of keeping Thongchai Bird McIntyre off of the concert stage for now.

Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is advised not to consider d oing anything like his crazy idea last year, in which thousands of cranes were dumped over the three southernmost provinces of Thailand. This would not be seen as making a peace offering. Rather, it would give rise to suspicions that the intention was to spread bird flu in the region.

Thanong Khanthong

LONDON

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