Published on September 06, 2005

I hadn’t realised just how much support “Mama M” needed until she pushed me, for the second time, to introduce her to my mother.

Mama M is a new friend of mine. Last year, I wrote about her only son coming out and spoke to her about how she was coping with the truth. Her son had finally told her he was gay after hiding it for 30 years.

She is happier these days and has read many books on gay issues that have helped her understand her son. She can now appreciate his struggles with his sexuality and recognises her previous state of denial.

Through our telephone conversations and meetings, we have become friends.

As she’ s now retired, loves her food but hates eating alone, and I’m an openly gay writer who usually opts for meals to go, we often share a wholesome lunch and share views on gay issues.

It was during one of these lunches that she asked me, yet again, to introduce her to my mother.

It wasn’t that I had forgotten the first request. I just felt awkward asking my mother to meet a complete stranger. What a shame that mothers of gay sons don’t have an association, because mutual emotional and moral support is badly needed.

Despite that obvious connection, I still wasn’t too sure about asking my mum to meet her. Last month, it took a lot of convincing to get her to be photographed with me for a Skytrain commuter newspaper.

They wanted to feature a mother and a gay son for the Mother’s Day issue. After I told her that it was good karma, she eventually agreed.

But exposing my mother to my being gay also give rise to a bitter argument with one of my brothers.

My mother is not a career woman. She’s a big fan of TV soaps and loves reading gossip columns in the daily papers.

Though she accepted me for who I am many years ago, I find it difficult to discuss gay issues with her.

That’s not because she’s reading the papers or caring for a niece but rather because she raises karma as a way of explaining everything. It’s meant to make me feel that I should stop trying to change attitudes towards homosexuality.

She has her beliefs. I have mine.

My mother is also an active practitioner of meditation and often visits Buddhist temples.

In contrast, Mama M goes to the park every morning for exercise and to socialise with people.

She rarely goes to temples and says that meditation puts her to sleep.

But after a telephone chat, the visit was duly arranged and Mama M duly prepared several bags of Vietnamese delights for the occasion.

Both ladies greeted each other with smiles. Mama M presented my mum with the bags of food. My mother smiled in return and said, “Oh, thank you. But I kin je [eat vegetarian]”.

“Well, that’s quite all right,” Mama M said, laughingly. “They are others in the house. They can have a big meal.”

I showed Mama M the Skytrain feature with our photos, and she praised it saying how much it helped other mothers like her to understand the “homosexual stuff”.

“This is good karma,” she said.

My mother smiled and folded the newspaper. I hope she read it later, after the gossip columns.

My mother spoke about temples and meditation. Mama M told her about exercising in the park and the benefits for senior people like them.

They chatted for a while after that and I drove Mama M back. I have no idea if they came to know each other better.

The important thing is they are “coming out” to each other. They are not lone mothers who have gay sons anymore.

I know in my heart that my mother also needs a friend with whom she can discuss gay issues.

And who could be better, if not another mother?

Vitaya is a freelance writer and can be reached at vitadam2002@yahoo.com. Comments on this column can be sent to relations@nationgroup.com.

Post your comment to this story here